Sigyn's offering

I think it went pretty well (although earlier I remembered I was going to get strawberries to add to her cup - whoops). Walking home, carrying a bundle of flowers to give to a certain goddess is probably one of the strangest thing's I've done so far, I'll admit.

I couldn't decided on the wine to give her, as I wanted to give her something sweet but I have no clue when it comes to drinks. I ended up sticking my finger in each and tasting them...and nearly dislocated my arm in the process of removing a cork from a wine I got about seven years ago. Loki got his beer while I concocted something for us girls.

It didn't taste all that great - but that could have just been me as I'm not a fan of wine, and hence why I doused it with Sprite to try and sweeten it up.

Things were pretty quiet for a while; just me watching the altar while sipping my drink.

I then decided to lift up Sigyn's bowl and hold it in my hands for a while.
After fifteen minuets, I was still holding out the bowl - arms shaking like nuts, hands twitching the bowl as if to toss out the drink. I could never possibly fully appreciate how hard it must have been for her to hold her own bowl over Loki for years and years - I only did fifteen minutes and I was struggling.

Conveniently, it was midnight when I put the bowl back, and meditated for another fifteen. It always feels like I'm being pulled upward when I meditate - not just my spine straightening, but really going up. There was also something touching my jaw and then on my cheek under my eye which got annoying up to the end.

There wasn't any hints as to why she wanted an impromptu 'Beltane Loving Cup' and she was silent throughout, as was Loki - funnily enough, during my bowl holding, I noticed that his candle had gone out. I might take that as him leaving while I basically reenacted what Sigyn has done (or will be doing - their time is different form ours) for him.

That was about it for that ritual anyways, nothing much. Maybe something will happen soon - this might have been part one in a sort of payment installment for asking for her help, I don't know.

I keep getting a warm feeling every time I turn round and look at their altar - almost feels like they're there, smiling at each other and sharing their drinks.

So, that's it for this post. I'll leave you with a new picture of the altar (it looks a lot cozier when the candles are lit and the oil burner is going...not to mention a bowl of wine and a pint of beer):

Since Sigyn has been hovering around, I feel more inclined to not say I'm a only a Lokean, but rather say I'm a Norse Pagan or 'right smack bang within the Rökkatru/Rökkr patheon'. Good times.

Fretting aside, I'm legitimatly looking forward to tonight with Siygn. Even the altar, which was Loki's corner, has become a bit more feminine looking - I gave her an old teddy I had since I was little and sat it amongst my pagan books.
I also found yesterday at college one of those small plastic flowers lying on the floor in the hallway - it was only the flower head, but it looked so out of place I instinctively picked it up and carried on. It's now sitting beside Loki's carnelian stone and Sigyn's rose quartz, at the base of my white candle.

If I had the room I'd make separate altars for any of them who stopped by, but for now it'll do - I don't think they mind too much sharing a space. I even think they rather like it.


Last night I tried some meditation lying down - to help me sleep. It was going pretty well, then cue a massive full body spasm which knocked my concentration and I couldn't get back into my rhythm. I'm used to twitching hands and heads turning suddenly, but this is a first that my entire body jolted.
Must have had a lot of tension that needed booted out, heh.

Ouch..

I was thinking about preparations for giving Sigyn her May Cup this Friday and remembered I had a wax tart of Sweet Violet (I have a feeling they're one of her favorite flowers) in my candle box; which meant getting rid of the left overs of my last tart in my oil burner.

It was still a bit liquid at the top but I thought I'd manage to get it all down to the kitchen without spilling. Forgot to touch wood.

Spilled it all over my hands and found out rather quickly it was still scalding hot. It also went over the faces of my drawers and splashed on some tights in an open drawer below, and a few drops went onto my carpet.

Luckily I seem to be immune to hot wax so my hands are completely fine; blister and lobster coloured free. 

The wax easily lifted off the wood; but I had to pull what wax I could from my carpet with my fingers and found that using a wad of sandpaper-ish looking stuff lifted most of it out, which I didn't expect. (I wouldn't advise anyone to do this to their own carpets, I'm just a reckless idiot) I'll see how it looks after the next time I hoover.

 I also think I got the wax mostly out of my tights by dousing them in a bath of boiling water then adding cool water so the oil  on the the surface solidified.

At least I now know how not to go about cleaning my oil burner next time...and the best way to de-wax clothes. 

I bet Loki found all this quite amusing; it was basically all done as soon as I got the burner clear of his altar top.

Loki and Sigyn's request

I spent most of my time at work today having an internal dialogue to Loki.

I feel I have no faith; I believe in Loki but I've yet to come to the point where I can close my eyes and simply fall back into him. Most would say that's a good thing, to always keep my wits about Loki; but it's more the case where something will happen and I find myself thinking 'Was that really him doing that, or me?'

I could blame this on many things; my distrust with the Christian god and how I couldn't understand Christian's blind faith in him sometimes, my one sided struggle with Wicca for five years, my autism? It could just be that because I've been hurt so much in the past by friends, family and bullies that I have a struggle with really putting my full trust into anything.
But I want to learn to trust Loki fully.
I  have seen and received what I believe to be his methods of teaching and I'm thankful that I have; even when at times during them when I would almost shout 'enough' and give up.

I just need to find a way to stop the 'Could be's and 'What if's that creep into my head later.

-

I said to Loki then that I knew I blocked most things out, and if he has been trying to get through to me, I'm sorry and it really is something I need to over come. I really do want to beat this and break through the wall. I think, sometimes, of I had a sign - something very obvious to me that he's been around or is around - then that could very well be the starting point.
I'm not expecting miracles, but a hint would be nice.

-

In the end I kind of got one, I believe.

I'd been doing some work when I got what I could only describe as a 'surge' or 'wave'. Somehow it got translated in my head, and it showed me that Sigyn wanted me to make a 'May Cup' for her.

 I can't describe how weird it felt during that, and after it felt like I had a huge bubble in or around my chest. And there was the real urge to do this for her.

I felt instantly that this wasn't me doing this; I'd been thinking about something else when this suddenly appeared to me so it couldn't have just been my train of thought moving along.

 I thought it over; 'May Cup? Does she mean a Beltane Loving Cup? It's rather the wrong time of the year for that, isn't it?'
In the end, I spoke aloud to her that I'd do it; might take some time with getting the ingredient and what not, but I'd do it for her. I wrote it down on my hand to remember and the bubble around me moved on.

-

So since then I've been online and looking up things for the cup. I regret to say that it might not be the traditional drink of 'May Wine', made with woodruff and German wine, as I can't find the herb anywhere in the shops near me and although I am legal, most places don't accept my ID so I can't buy new wine.

I don't think she'd be too upset if I made something else for the cup; she didn't say it was to be  'May Wine', although that is traditional. I did get a mental image of a picture, from one of my Wiccan books, of a Beltane Loving Cup and I got the feeling that she likes the floating flowers in the cup more than the actual drink itself.

So, I'm planning on making up my own concoction.
I'll use a bottle of dry white wine I already have (I'll sweeten it up for her, as I feel she prefers her wines sweet) and add some sprite to make it bubbly. I'll chill it and add some strawberries when serving. Maybe I'll buy her flowers too, where I might float some flower-heads in her cup and  the rest can go on the altar.

I'll see if Loki would like something too; a beer or some kind of darker wine if he likes. I'm sure I've got a small bottle of whiskey with left that I could leave him; although I think there's only enough left to fill a shot glass or two (one for Odin maybe?)

-

Thinking about it now, it feels very symbolic:
Sigyn held the cup or bowl over her dear heart's face to stop the venom from hurting him...and now she wants me to make us* a cup of wine with flowers as an offering.
(* I think she wants me to have some with her.)

It does, in every way I look at it, feel like a direct request from her - from the 'wave' out of nowhere, that thought and image emerging, and the pressure in my chest.

I like to think she heard my thoughts to Loki (or heard them from Loki) and this is her way of trying to help me to 'fall back' and get over all my fear about my faithfulness and trust.

Maybe some girl time with Loki's loved ones will do me some good, eh?

Managing Time

I feel that one of my main problems is there isn't seriously enough hours in a day.

For example:

• Today is cleaning day so I have to hoover and dust my bedroom. 
• I also have three power points to be in this following week (two have to be in on Thursday) so I need to get some done today as well. 
• I've been neglecting to do any ritual or meditative work so I need to find space for that.
• I also want some free time to do things I like doing  to unwind (reading, blogging etc)
• It's also Sunday, so I need be to in bed at a reasonably hour for work tomorrow.

It amazes me constantly when I read others blogs or posts how well they can manage all these daily things and still have time left over without breaking a sweat. Maybe when I'm done with college, and hopefully have my own flat, I'll be in a position where I can devote more time to each without distractions.

I've read somewhere that cleaning the home can be turned/seen as a ritual (I suppose, cleansing the sacred space and what not) but I don't know if I can get past the 'oh-god-another-chore' feeling and look at it as something to look forward to just yet.

I have been lighting up the candles on Loki's corner lately but it doesn't feel like anything because I haven't been giving enough effort in my other areas. It feels like he's taken leave from the altar for the mean time until I can muster up something. 

It's funny how earlier this year it was constant dream after dream, and now it's very quiet - probably because I'm focusing so much on college now rather than earlier this year when I was pouring over the Edda's and thinking about them constantly.

Other Lokeans, and I, have all noticed that he does have periods when he's very 'there' and other times where he's flown off  for a while (away planning something big) and come back.

I'm hoping, internally, that he hasn't decided to hand me over to Odin for a little while - if he has then there's nothing I can really do; but after that dream and the way I acted, I've got the feeling that Odin will push me even harder in whatever he's there to teach me about. Eek.

Battery Problems

I charged my iPod up about two days ago, and it had about half a battery left last night; but this morning it was completely empty. Normally it can go up to two weeks without needing any charging at all.

This would have been a cause for concern...if I hadn't realized that I had put my iPod on Loki's altar last night before bed - I had even thought about that kind of thing happening last night, and now look!

The power-loss had been happening for a while; phone, iPods or other things draining rapidly - I thought maybe it was their batteries themselves, losing their charge as they got older, but really it's because I've been putting them on Loki's spot before bed. The bastard's been zapping the power from my stuff!
I can probably say it started when I turned the bedside table into his altar and continued to place my phone, etc, there for the mornings (and out of habit I guess)

That's got me thinking about when I leave him food offerings; does he take the 'energy' or something from them? Would leaving batteries lying on his spot be the same as leaving food? Does he actually get anything from that?
.....Na, more likely he enjoys watching me swearing and getting annoyed when I can't get my things to work.

Better remember not to leave my phone on his side of the bed now, in-case it dies and my alarm doesn't go off for college.

But still - iPod batteries, Loki? Seriously?

More Dreams and Such

I had a flash of a dream I'd had either last night or the night before;

I was with a little girl, who I sensed as my daughter, and I appeared as older and more mature. I was speaking to her, saying words from the Eddas and pronouncing them slowly so she could repeat them back. One of the words I remember was Ragnarok, and I said it so softly, making sure I said each syllable and letter correctly that it almost sounded like I had a northern accent - more so than my normal Scots accent. 'Rhag-nar-ock'. And she smiled up at me; not speaking, just us smiling at each other before I moved on to the next word.

In other news, I bought a cinnamon Yankee candle for Loki's altar, as well as a bracelet of carnelian stones: I was going to originally buy one made from chips beads, but I saw one which had nice, smooth, chunky stones instead. It also feel nicer and has a more reassuring weight on my wrists*. I showered with it on so it got a cleanse, and now feels even lighter. I love it :)

Besides from those two, I actually went out and bought clothes for once. I don't think the family has quiet recovered just yet.

*My wrists are really sensitive, and I hate people or heavy things (like some bracelets or watches) touching them, so I can only wear certain ones which don't irritate the skin so much, like the chip beads probably would have. 

If it does irritate the skin, I either feel really sick, or if someone has touched them to get my attention, I pretty much jerk my whole arm and body away violently - it's a shocking reaction when you first see me do it, then it apparently gets amusing...or so all my mates say.

Just a little personal fun fact about me there.

Hearing things

I've only just woken up properly. A few minutes ago I was dreaming and it came to a part in the dream were my sister and I were looking up a calender, and pointed at the 30th which had been marked as an anniversary (no idea whose, not our parents anyways).

At this point I was almost awake, trying to stay in the dream to see the end when I heard a whistled note beside my bed. I ignored it and it did it again but with a diffident pitch.
I opened my eyes, no one there. I breathed through my nose a few times, to see that it was me. It wasn't.
So now I'm hearing people whistling by my bed - great.

Last week I had heard something as well,  but I didn't type it up.
I was relaxed in bed, trying to drop off when I heard "Mam" (Mum) and lots of little kids giggling. I then heard a man shouting at them for shrieking, which lead to him snarling at them, while they continued to laugh and scream...but I was debating whether that was just me, as it wasn't as prominent as that first word.

I've read before that when we're on the edge of falling asleep or waking up, it is like we're in a relaxed trance like state (or something along those lines) so it's easier to heard, feel or see things - like ghosts, deities, gods.
I don''t know if it was Loki whistling at me, but it feels like something he'd do to get my attention.

It's not just in my sleep though: last night, before bed, I had heard something metallic (like my necklace chain or my charm bracelet) being moved on the altar- just a tinkling sound as it did. I turned round when I heard that, and looked about for something that could have moved them to make the noise.
I got the mental image if Loki sitting on my bed, beside the altar, poking at my/his things, looking completely fascinated. He had shorter hair now, which is quite amusing to me - suits him though.

That's my bit, will try typing other stuff I hear when they happen.

Whoops

I was leaving to go to Mum's youth group on Monday night when I noticed that the wax from my burner had some how spilt onto the cloth and mostly over Loki's picture.
It could have been when I was blowing out the candle, the night before that, and I must have blown the melted wax over the rim, but there is no way that it could have reached that high on his picture. Maybe he doesn't like it, maybe it was something else. Or it really was just me, but I would have noticed it splashing out. I dunno.
Luckily, the glass plate the cloth is wrapped about is equal-sided so I just turned it around so it hid the marks left over. I managed to have to scrap the wax off of the glass and frame of his picture later that night. I guess if it really was him and he really didn't like it, I'll probably know it soon enough (I wouldn't put it past him knocking it off the table or hiding it if it offends him that much).

Loki's Altar 2

I lit up the candles for the first time on his new 'corner', and left him the other half of the cookie I had for lunch.

Apparently I didn't have to worry about the orange cloth as the red glass on the candle holders really cast a glow everywhere.

Here's some pictures anyways (click for a better view):

Hopefully when I finally get my own place, I can give him more space for his altar, but till then...

Loki's Altar

I was writing up some tarot card meanings into my little book earlier this evening when Loki invaded my head space.

"...A cloth would brighten up the altar..."

I had been thinking about doing up Loki's altar for a while but never got round to doing it; but I was up and scrounging about for something nice as soon as he'd finished.

My Mum keeps rolls of satin-y fabrics, which she uses for making things - like skirts, when her youth group need some for their yearly show, or when my sister and I had to make things for our Art projects.
So I had a rummage. I had been hoping for some red, but all I found that was close second was a dark orange colour. It'd have to do, beggars can't be choosers.

So I got the cloth settled onto the altar (I found that rather then having the edges dangling and getting caught, I could wrap the cloth around and under the glass surface top - present wrapping skills do come in handy) but it was still lacking something.
Then I hear Loki again.

"...Go find a picture of me and put it behind the candles..."

Onto the internet I go for a while, and I chose this image of Loki by Arthur Rackham, which I've printed, laminated and framed.

The reason I chose that illustration by Rackham is it's a long joke between me, my friends, and Loki:
In our Art class a few years back (I'd only just come into being interested in Loki then), part of our coarse work was to write an essay about two different artists and to analyse one of their works each.
I was being a rebel and chose Figurative as one of my mediums (most people choose either still life or fantasy and imagination, so I was a first in a long time to choose that).
I was given a list where I could choose my two figure artists from, about a hundred or so names.
Randomly, I picked Rackham, and started looking for a picture...and the first one that pops up is that one of Loki.
Cue friends laughing and saying that Loki must have caused that to happen, out of all the other artists to pick on the list it had to be that guy, and how I've not much choice but to write about that picture. And I did! A full extra 500 words on his picture alone (I was told later to cut it down to a sensible length, damn). So yeah, I've got fond memories with that illustration.

Anyways, along with Loki's picture, I printed off a picture of Yggdrasil which is now above my bed, and a list of runes and their meanings to keep in my folder of useful things.

It's still not as good or pretty as some altars I've seen (no room for sheep skulls, flowers or hundreds of crystals and candles) but it's getting there; the orange is so eye catching though, which I feel is what Loki likes the most about it - it can't be ignored! >:D

Necklace Idea?

I had another dream last night:

I was dreaming that I was trying to get to work but I kept going over to a shop window to look inside. It was a full of dream catchers of every varitity so I went on my way, only to walk back to the window a few minutes later.

This time, on the display, it showed possible alter items. My eye caught that of a orange glazed fire bowl and some small gold statues of Loki - either smiling with his hand on his hip, ones with him and Fenrir, or when he was disguised as 'Freyja's maid when him and Thor went to retrieve his hammer. 

 I made a mental note to get those items for my alter and I went inside . 

As I wandered inside, I looked up and hanging from hooks were necklaces of all colours, when I spotted the following one.

It was decorated with chipped crystals as beads (in red, orange, gold) , which started about half way round the chain and stopped at the front, leaving a gap. From that gap, on a smaller bit of chain, hung a rounded, red stone encased in some silver so it didn't fall out. Carved into the stone with silver paint was an image of Sleipnir.

I immediately reached up and tried to free the necklace from the hook, but it was too high. One of the workers of the shop used a pole and brought it down and I put it on. I didn't have to pay for it as I left, and no one said otherwise.

Since then, I've been on the internet, trying to see if I've seen something like it before or what, but as far as I know the necklace I dreamed about hasn't been made.

It would have been a combination of the following pictures. Who knows, I might plan to make something similar if I can find the material in town. I'll have to see.

Introduced to Njord

Mum and Dad went out yesterday, so I finally had the time to go for a walk around the neighborhood and to buy some snacks. It was pretty misty and damp, but funnily enough I was really happy about the weather. Sun and heat is all nice, but it feels like nothings happening. When it's raining or there's mist, it's a visible sign that nature is doing something; rain feels like all the bad energy is being washed away, and mist just screams to me that something is happening that needs to be hidden - like something out of a Victoria crime novel, with the black capes swirling in the London smog as a murder is committed.

I spent most of the walk thinking about Loki (nothing new, just musing away over things) and I reached the shop to get a bottle of Pepsi. As I was paying for the Pepsi, I just reached out and added bar of chocolate to my buys - no reason for it at all, and when I stepped outside I was shaking my head over why I did that. I don't even enjoy chocolate that much. 

Then I got that feeling in the back of my head, saying 'Give some to me when you get home'. I'm guessing it was Loki. But I did as I was told and gave him a line of chocolate on the altar.

And I got a dream visit last night in return! 

The first part of my dream was about me trying to find and readopt a dog (one I had in another dream) but when we did find him he bite me right through the cheek. 

But then, just like that, I was suddenly in a hall filled with plush cushioned sofas, a huge fireplace, skin rugs and a long table with chalices and plates all set out. The walls were semi transparent, and it showed me that it was on a beach, right next to the waterfront. It was not cold, so the walls were keeping the heat in, and if you didn't look too closely, it did look like the walls were solid. It had an warm glow about the place and all was so calm. 

I then saw Freyja (who was sprouting brown hair this time) lying on one of the sofas. Thor then appeared and was trying to place bracelets about her wrists. They were both laughing and giggling, trying to catch and run away from each other. Odin, who was standing, facing the fireplace softly scolded them, which Freyja called him boring with a smile, and Odin rolled his eyes and smiled back.

I was either looking through Loki's eye or he was near by were I couldn't see him, but I though Thor was acting rather out of character, so something has been niggling in my head, saying that Loki might have been shift shaping as him.

I then walked through the walls and found myself on the waterfront and the hall had vanished (but if I took a few sets back I would have been back into the hall, so I guess the hall was invisible from the outside)

There were other gods on the beach, looking out to the sea, which again, had an unearthly glow and was all white, greys and pale. It was round about sunset, after the sun had dipped over the horizon, but the sky was a grey/white, not dark or sunset colours like I expected it would have been.

I stepped up to the water and it surged powerfully at my feet, more so than a normal wave, and no matter how far back I jumped it still crawled forward. It didn't surge to the other gods littering about on the water front or behind us on the sand, just me.

I called out to the god of the sea (at first I was about to call out Kari's name, then I remembered it was Njord who is the god of the sea) and it resided back into normal waves and was calm again.

I then woke up and it's been raining with a mist all day. I don't know if Njord can control rain and mist, but it feels like it's him for some reason. So I can now add Njord to the gods/goddesses Loki's taken me to see.

Trying To Create Balance

A few days ago, it was decided that Leo (my 14 week old rabbit), was going to be moved from the study into my room - we're planning on getting him a larger cage and my dressing table is the only free surface big enough for it to go.

But my dressing table was actually my alter space with all my candles, incense etc. I had no choice but to move all my gear somewhere else. It had to be in an open space (I couldn't bear the thought of hiding my tools in a cupboard), it had to be easy to reach (so the shelves were out) and it had to be big enough at least to hold the very basics.
But there was no room, at all.
I must have stood for a good half hour, turning around, looking to see where I could move-this-to-create-space-there. A bit of reorganization later and I had converted my beside table into a ... shrine, I guess. It's not the best and it doesn't compare to my old alter - which I had received nice comments about when I posted a photo online a few years back - but it would have to make do.
I said a message to Loki (as it is basically his shrine) that if he sees room for improvement or would like something added, to give me a hint.
So far: flowers would be nice, some image of himself (statue, picture or symbol) and maybe a cloth.

As for the 'Quiet Worship Time' I had planned to do to help get myself back into daily worship, I think most of the meditations were designed for those who live alone or have the time in the day to sit down and have peace and quiet for a few hours.
Apparently, these meditations don't really work when you still live at home with your parents and older sister (Which also means my plan to live as stress free as possible is buggered. No one is stress free when they still live at home, you nearly murder each other every week.). It's a struggle to concentrate.

The only time I can focus is at night, about twelve or one in the morning when everyone is asleep; I even tried last night, but the problem was that Leo was still moving about. I tried using meditation podcasts and music on my iPod to tune everything out....but it was 1am, I was shattered, and I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. And I can't do it during the day as I work full time during the summer holidays.

I'm struggling a bit with how much time I can really give and I can only give very brief rituals or very meager offerings to Loki of sweets and energy drinks (which I'm lucky that he likes)