Guess who's back....

Sorry for the absence; exams, college, work and general stress made me take a break from posting up here for a while.

Loki, Sigyn, Odin and the rest of them have been incredibly patient while I've been sorting my shit out, and even though I had tons of things to worry about, my thoughts weren't far from them.

But all that's over with for the mean time - I got an A for my HNC and have been accepted into next years HND course, I've had my jaw operation (which went better than the doctors had expected) and was out within two days of the surgery.

So this is me getting back, again, into the groove of things and apologizing to them for the lack of attention.

I'll post up the talks I've had with them in a bit, but that's me back anyways. Sorry for the wait.

All the awards!

Elizabeth's written a (quite frankly brilliant) new post: 'She's Having A Go At Other Lokeans Again'

In a nutshell, what's been going around is this 'idea' that unless you are a god spouse, you aren't good enough/worthy enough/or a real Lokean (lolwut?), etc.
In reality there are many different ways to honor the gods, not just by becoming a spouse/consort, and Elizabeth's post addresses this.

Here's some snippets:

"Many people view Loki as a friend, an uncle, a brother, a father, even a sort of comrade-in arms. I know one Lokean whom He has referred to as “cousin,” and another who is a child of Loki, and who would find a spousal relationship with Him weird and unnatural. I know still others who haven’t troubled to define their relationship with Him. In fact, people can worship Him from a distance and still be Lokeans. People can even be not very religious at all and yet be Loki’s folk (though admittedly, that’s somewhat more difficult to pull off). The point is that they’re as much Loki’s own as anybody else who claims to be His consort or lover. Nobody but Loki, and the individual in question, gets to decide whether or not someone is His. This means you, too."

[...]

"I love Loki, and I want Him to be loved by as many people as are willing to love Him. And love comes in a myriad of forms, intensities, and expressions. It’s not my place to judge other people’s relationships with Him, and I am not worthy of determining whose love is more valid, meaningful or heartfelt. Neither are you."

Now seriously, go read her post :D

Loki loves whiskey

I think Loki's been egging me on lately to get him some booze.
Last night I'd pulled out a small glass and a shot glass without even thinking about it. Shrugged it off I decided that I'd pour some wine for Sigyn and a shot for Loki. As I turned, there was an open bottle of whiskey on the counter that I hadn't noticed before.
"Right, ok then." and poured him his glass and took them upstairs (I keep a small bottle of wine for Sigyn in my cupboard).
When I placed his shot on to his altar, something fell off a table on the otherside of the room.
Okay then! Hello Loki, here's your booze - enjoy!

Sigyn's offering

I think it went pretty well (although earlier I remembered I was going to get strawberries to add to her cup - whoops). Walking home, carrying a bundle of flowers to give to a certain goddess is probably one of the strangest thing's I've done so far, I'll admit.

I couldn't decided on the wine to give her, as I wanted to give her something sweet but I have no clue when it comes to drinks. I ended up sticking my finger in each and tasting them...and nearly dislocated my arm in the process of removing a cork from a wine I got about seven years ago. Loki got his beer while I concocted something for us girls.

It didn't taste all that great - but that could have just been me as I'm not a fan of wine, and hence why I doused it with Sprite to try and sweeten it up.

Things were pretty quiet for a while; just me watching the altar while sipping my drink.

I then decided to lift up Sigyn's bowl and hold it in my hands for a while.
After fifteen minuets, I was still holding out the bowl - arms shaking like nuts, hands twitching the bowl as if to toss out the drink. I could never possibly fully appreciate how hard it must have been for her to hold her own bowl over Loki for years and years - I only did fifteen minutes and I was struggling.

Conveniently, it was midnight when I put the bowl back, and meditated for another fifteen. It always feels like I'm being pulled upward when I meditate - not just my spine straightening, but really going up. There was also something touching my jaw and then on my cheek under my eye which got annoying up to the end.

There wasn't any hints as to why she wanted an impromptu 'Beltane Loving Cup' and she was silent throughout, as was Loki - funnily enough, during my bowl holding, I noticed that his candle had gone out. I might take that as him leaving while I basically reenacted what Sigyn has done (or will be doing - their time is different form ours) for him.

That was about it for that ritual anyways, nothing much. Maybe something will happen soon - this might have been part one in a sort of payment installment for asking for her help, I don't know.

I keep getting a warm feeling every time I turn round and look at their altar - almost feels like they're there, smiling at each other and sharing their drinks.

So, that's it for this post. I'll leave you with a new picture of the altar (it looks a lot cozier when the candles are lit and the oil burner is going...not to mention a bowl of wine and a pint of beer):

Since Sigyn has been hovering around, I feel more inclined to not say I'm a only a Lokean, but rather say I'm a Norse Pagan or 'right smack bang within the Rökkatru/Rökkr patheon'. Good times.

Fretting aside, I'm legitimatly looking forward to tonight with Siygn. Even the altar, which was Loki's corner, has become a bit more feminine looking - I gave her an old teddy I had since I was little and sat it amongst my pagan books.
I also found yesterday at college one of those small plastic flowers lying on the floor in the hallway - it was only the flower head, but it looked so out of place I instinctively picked it up and carried on. It's now sitting beside Loki's carnelian stone and Sigyn's rose quartz, at the base of my white candle.

If I had the room I'd make separate altars for any of them who stopped by, but for now it'll do - I don't think they mind too much sharing a space. I even think they rather like it.


Last night I tried some meditation lying down - to help me sleep. It was going pretty well, then cue a massive full body spasm which knocked my concentration and I couldn't get back into my rhythm. I'm used to twitching hands and heads turning suddenly, but this is a first that my entire body jolted.
Must have had a lot of tension that needed booted out, heh.

Loki and Sigyn's request

I spent most of my time at work today having an internal dialogue to Loki.

I feel I have no faith; I believe in Loki but I've yet to come to the point where I can close my eyes and simply fall back into him. Most would say that's a good thing, to always keep my wits about Loki; but it's more the case where something will happen and I find myself thinking 'Was that really him doing that, or me?'

I could blame this on many things; my distrust with the Christian god and how I couldn't understand Christian's blind faith in him sometimes, my one sided struggle with Wicca for five years, my autism? It could just be that because I've been hurt so much in the past by friends, family and bullies that I have a struggle with really putting my full trust into anything.
But I want to learn to trust Loki fully.
I  have seen and received what I believe to be his methods of teaching and I'm thankful that I have; even when at times during them when I would almost shout 'enough' and give up.

I just need to find a way to stop the 'Could be's and 'What if's that creep into my head later.

-

I said to Loki then that I knew I blocked most things out, and if he has been trying to get through to me, I'm sorry and it really is something I need to over come. I really do want to beat this and break through the wall. I think, sometimes, of I had a sign - something very obvious to me that he's been around or is around - then that could very well be the starting point.
I'm not expecting miracles, but a hint would be nice.

-

In the end I kind of got one, I believe.

I'd been doing some work when I got what I could only describe as a 'surge' or 'wave'. Somehow it got translated in my head, and it showed me that Sigyn wanted me to make a 'May Cup' for her.

 I can't describe how weird it felt during that, and after it felt like I had a huge bubble in or around my chest. And there was the real urge to do this for her.

I felt instantly that this wasn't me doing this; I'd been thinking about something else when this suddenly appeared to me so it couldn't have just been my train of thought moving along.

 I thought it over; 'May Cup? Does she mean a Beltane Loving Cup? It's rather the wrong time of the year for that, isn't it?'
In the end, I spoke aloud to her that I'd do it; might take some time with getting the ingredient and what not, but I'd do it for her. I wrote it down on my hand to remember and the bubble around me moved on.

-

So since then I've been online and looking up things for the cup. I regret to say that it might not be the traditional drink of 'May Wine', made with woodruff and German wine, as I can't find the herb anywhere in the shops near me and although I am legal, most places don't accept my ID so I can't buy new wine.

I don't think she'd be too upset if I made something else for the cup; she didn't say it was to be  'May Wine', although that is traditional. I did get a mental image of a picture, from one of my Wiccan books, of a Beltane Loving Cup and I got the feeling that she likes the floating flowers in the cup more than the actual drink itself.

So, I'm planning on making up my own concoction.
I'll use a bottle of dry white wine I already have (I'll sweeten it up for her, as I feel she prefers her wines sweet) and add some sprite to make it bubbly. I'll chill it and add some strawberries when serving. Maybe I'll buy her flowers too, where I might float some flower-heads in her cup and  the rest can go on the altar.

I'll see if Loki would like something too; a beer or some kind of darker wine if he likes. I'm sure I've got a small bottle of whiskey with left that I could leave him; although I think there's only enough left to fill a shot glass or two (one for Odin maybe?)

-

Thinking about it now, it feels very symbolic:
Sigyn held the cup or bowl over her dear heart's face to stop the venom from hurting him...and now she wants me to make us* a cup of wine with flowers as an offering.
(* I think she wants me to have some with her.)

It does, in every way I look at it, feel like a direct request from her - from the 'wave' out of nowhere, that thought and image emerging, and the pressure in my chest.

I like to think she heard my thoughts to Loki (or heard them from Loki) and this is her way of trying to help me to 'fall back' and get over all my fear about my faithfulness and trust.

Maybe some girl time with Loki's loved ones will do me some good, eh?

Managing Time

I feel that one of my main problems is there isn't seriously enough hours in a day.

For example:

• Today is cleaning day so I have to hoover and dust my bedroom. 
• I also have three power points to be in this following week (two have to be in on Thursday) so I need to get some done today as well. 
• I've been neglecting to do any ritual or meditative work so I need to find space for that.
• I also want some free time to do things I like doing  to unwind (reading, blogging etc)
• It's also Sunday, so I need be to in bed at a reasonably hour for work tomorrow.

It amazes me constantly when I read others blogs or posts how well they can manage all these daily things and still have time left over without breaking a sweat. Maybe when I'm done with college, and hopefully have my own flat, I'll be in a position where I can devote more time to each without distractions.

I've read somewhere that cleaning the home can be turned/seen as a ritual (I suppose, cleansing the sacred space and what not) but I don't know if I can get past the 'oh-god-another-chore' feeling and look at it as something to look forward to just yet.

I have been lighting up the candles on Loki's corner lately but it doesn't feel like anything because I haven't been giving enough effort in my other areas. It feels like he's taken leave from the altar for the mean time until I can muster up something. 

It's funny how earlier this year it was constant dream after dream, and now it's very quiet - probably because I'm focusing so much on college now rather than earlier this year when I was pouring over the Edda's and thinking about them constantly.

Other Lokeans, and I, have all noticed that he does have periods when he's very 'there' and other times where he's flown off  for a while (away planning something big) and come back.

I'm hoping, internally, that he hasn't decided to hand me over to Odin for a little while - if he has then there's nothing I can really do; but after that dream and the way I acted, I've got the feeling that Odin will push me even harder in whatever he's there to teach me about. Eek.

Donor

I finally got round to doing something that's been niggling at me to do for a while: I've registered as an Organ Donor, so my tissues and organs can help others after I die.

After my little scare yesterday, I was a bit apprehensive about doing anything so sudden and as big as this, but like I said, something was constantly niggling. And I don't think it's Loki this time round.
I don't think it's another god trying to stake claim (Loki would go ape-shit) but more of 'Hi there, do this for us please. Okay, thanks. Bye!' and now it's gone so it must have only been sticking around for that.

It could be seen - if you squint - as a promise or offering to those I work with; I mean, some people make blood oaths to their gods, some offer up their bodies only while they are alive and worshiping, and some like me donate their bodies to save lives afterwards.

I feel...happy now; my body is going to good use , and it makes me want to take care of it more for those who might get a part of me later.
I don't smoke, I don't take drugs and I rarely drink (I like pepsi better than alcohol, even when I'm in a pub) - it's like I was made for this. It's given me a better outlook over what happened yesterday - like they've shown me that I can be useful or I can do good things.

I feel now that now I am going to be very important to someone in the future. And I am, in a way.


Update:
Okay, this just came to me as I was finishing up and it sounds like it's from Loki, so I'll just type what's being said (I'm testing this "shamanic 'world walker' " claim from himself and Surt last night) :

"...You're going to be recycled..."

(He gets that it'll help people, but he doesn't like the thought of me being split apart, a piece being given to different people, and than scattered across the country.)

"...Exactly; someone random I don't like is going to get your eye. Or your liver. I don't like that, it feels wrong...."
(There was a hint of a 'You're mine' undertone on that last bit although he didn't say it aloud, but it was there.)

Bless his cotton socks; the trickster's getting all sentimental about my body parts.

Ready to Go

It's nearly 11pm, and Mum and Dad are still out.
So I've slipped into my comfy clothes and am going to do some candle and meditative worship before bed.
We'll see how this goes and if anything comes in my dreams tonight.

Update (28/07/11) : Nope, nothing happened that night. But two nights later I gave Loki some 'Milky Way Stars' and had a massive heart to heart about some issues. I received some very  interesting dreams about digging up a boy who had just been buried in some red clay type mud...and he was still alive with his hand sticking out of the ground. And I had to dig him out before he died with a hand trowel . Nice.

Personas In Teaching?

I read was reading an old forum about Loki: They had been describing how Loki acts around them. Some said he's very nice and cuddly, some he comes and goes leaving a bread crumb trail of tricks and mischief in their lives but is very lovable, and some said he's loyal and understanding.
Of coarse there then came the comments from the Heathens and other Pagans - "Loki is a god of chaos, he's not nice or friendly." "He's pure evil, how can he be lovely?!" etc, etc.

All that crap aside, it did make me wonder how Lokeans did have different stories of how he treats them.

I think (maybe) Loki appears to people as the figures they need most during the time he comes to them; as a protector, as a friend, as a trickster, as someone who will keep pushing and pushing them mercilessness to their limit till he's broken them down completely and built them up again. One of those persona's of Loki was the one they needed most - as if he studies them first, to find out the best way to get a reaction and the result he wants before acting. 

This is why, I believe, we heard so many different accounts of his behavior toward different Lokeans; it's not because they misunderstand him, it's just how he appears to each of us as individuals.

To me, Loki's taken a father-ish/teacher role. He's not cruel but more persistent, as that is the best method for me to learn - Keep showing me till I understand rather than scream it in my face and scare me off. 

He's a bit gentler in his methods and he takes a back seat, only steering me once in a while. 

No doubt he'll change once I'm older, but since he'll have known me for a good while by then, he might not have to resort to hard methods to continue to teach me.

Just my penny's worth.

Trying To Create Balance

A few days ago, it was decided that Leo (my 14 week old rabbit), was going to be moved from the study into my room - we're planning on getting him a larger cage and my dressing table is the only free surface big enough for it to go.

But my dressing table was actually my alter space with all my candles, incense etc. I had no choice but to move all my gear somewhere else. It had to be in an open space (I couldn't bear the thought of hiding my tools in a cupboard), it had to be easy to reach (so the shelves were out) and it had to be big enough at least to hold the very basics.
But there was no room, at all.
I must have stood for a good half hour, turning around, looking to see where I could move-this-to-create-space-there. A bit of reorganization later and I had converted my beside table into a ... shrine, I guess. It's not the best and it doesn't compare to my old alter - which I had received nice comments about when I posted a photo online a few years back - but it would have to make do.
I said a message to Loki (as it is basically his shrine) that if he sees room for improvement or would like something added, to give me a hint.
So far: flowers would be nice, some image of himself (statue, picture or symbol) and maybe a cloth.

As for the 'Quiet Worship Time' I had planned to do to help get myself back into daily worship, I think most of the meditations were designed for those who live alone or have the time in the day to sit down and have peace and quiet for a few hours.
Apparently, these meditations don't really work when you still live at home with your parents and older sister (Which also means my plan to live as stress free as possible is buggered. No one is stress free when they still live at home, you nearly murder each other every week.). It's a struggle to concentrate.

The only time I can focus is at night, about twelve or one in the morning when everyone is asleep; I even tried last night, but the problem was that Leo was still moving about. I tried using meditation podcasts and music on my iPod to tune everything out....but it was 1am, I was shattered, and I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. And I can't do it during the day as I work full time during the summer holidays.

I'm struggling a bit with how much time I can really give and I can only give very brief rituals or very meager offerings to Loki of sweets and energy drinks (which I'm lucky that he likes)