Wotan and The Hunt

Last night's meditation found me on the outskirts of a forest with Mar circling around me.
We could hear music just over the hill and we could see a party happening around a bonfire when we peered over the mound.

A Case of the Crazies

Round about the time I started college, I'd gotten on my usual bus back home. Across from me were two girls, one whom I knew from school.

A few stops into the journey, a man wearing scruffy clothes and a massive travelling rucksack came onto the bus and stood by the drivers cab, talking to him. Assuming he was a friend or regular of the driver, I ignored him and daydreamed.

A few minutes later he came up towards the back of the bus. Up close he looked far rougher than I imagined, and on instinct I slide my bag between myself and the window. He sat down in the seat behind the girls.

And he started to talk to them. Asked them if they went to school, what they studied. They lied of course, said they were studying to be chiefs; it's only natural when a weird man, who you have never met before, starts a random conversation. They continued to chat to each other, occasionally answering the man with short answers before returning to their own conversations. Yet, the man carried on talking to them.

I continued to stare out of the window, half listening.

"He must have something wrong with him, or he's a junkie." I thought. "He's probably crazy."

'Crazy like me?' asked Loki softly. "Aren't we all a little bit crazy?"

That made me stop and think, and after a few moments I started to listen to the man.

He praised them on going to school and said that he himself was once a chief; but he got into the wrong crowd, did drugs, and one night a fight broke out. Someone stabbed him with a used needle...and ended up he had contracted HIV from the wound. He had to quit his job as a chief. But he seemed happy; he told them he had been travelling around Africa for a five years, and was back to Scotland to visit a friend.

He then got off at his stop and as the bus carried on. The girls started to laugh. They giggled over how they thought he was going to mug them. They called him a psycho, a weirdo,  mocked his story.

I felt a swell of anger towards them. I felt I had taken and learned something from his story, which he had chosen to talk about to two random girls on a bus. I felt I had been given a small grain of wisdom, and was horrified that they simply dismissed him because he had spoken to them.

I then became angry at myself for judging him so quickly at the start.

I felt Loki smile and nod.

'Maybe crazy people aren't all that crazy. Maybe they are simply travelers who have a good story to tell.'

Loki and Sigyn's request

I spent most of my time at work today having an internal dialogue to Loki.

I feel I have no faith; I believe in Loki but I've yet to come to the point where I can close my eyes and simply fall back into him. Most would say that's a good thing, to always keep my wits about Loki; but it's more the case where something will happen and I find myself thinking 'Was that really him doing that, or me?'

I could blame this on many things; my distrust with the Christian god and how I couldn't understand Christian's blind faith in him sometimes, my one sided struggle with Wicca for five years, my autism? It could just be that because I've been hurt so much in the past by friends, family and bullies that I have a struggle with really putting my full trust into anything.
But I want to learn to trust Loki fully.
I  have seen and received what I believe to be his methods of teaching and I'm thankful that I have; even when at times during them when I would almost shout 'enough' and give up.

I just need to find a way to stop the 'Could be's and 'What if's that creep into my head later.

-

I said to Loki then that I knew I blocked most things out, and if he has been trying to get through to me, I'm sorry and it really is something I need to over come. I really do want to beat this and break through the wall. I think, sometimes, of I had a sign - something very obvious to me that he's been around or is around - then that could very well be the starting point.
I'm not expecting miracles, but a hint would be nice.

-

In the end I kind of got one, I believe.

I'd been doing some work when I got what I could only describe as a 'surge' or 'wave'. Somehow it got translated in my head, and it showed me that Sigyn wanted me to make a 'May Cup' for her.

 I can't describe how weird it felt during that, and after it felt like I had a huge bubble in or around my chest. And there was the real urge to do this for her.

I felt instantly that this wasn't me doing this; I'd been thinking about something else when this suddenly appeared to me so it couldn't have just been my train of thought moving along.

 I thought it over; 'May Cup? Does she mean a Beltane Loving Cup? It's rather the wrong time of the year for that, isn't it?'
In the end, I spoke aloud to her that I'd do it; might take some time with getting the ingredient and what not, but I'd do it for her. I wrote it down on my hand to remember and the bubble around me moved on.

-

So since then I've been online and looking up things for the cup. I regret to say that it might not be the traditional drink of 'May Wine', made with woodruff and German wine, as I can't find the herb anywhere in the shops near me and although I am legal, most places don't accept my ID so I can't buy new wine.

I don't think she'd be too upset if I made something else for the cup; she didn't say it was to be  'May Wine', although that is traditional. I did get a mental image of a picture, from one of my Wiccan books, of a Beltane Loving Cup and I got the feeling that she likes the floating flowers in the cup more than the actual drink itself.

So, I'm planning on making up my own concoction.
I'll use a bottle of dry white wine I already have (I'll sweeten it up for her, as I feel she prefers her wines sweet) and add some sprite to make it bubbly. I'll chill it and add some strawberries when serving. Maybe I'll buy her flowers too, where I might float some flower-heads in her cup and  the rest can go on the altar.

I'll see if Loki would like something too; a beer or some kind of darker wine if he likes. I'm sure I've got a small bottle of whiskey with left that I could leave him; although I think there's only enough left to fill a shot glass or two (one for Odin maybe?)

-

Thinking about it now, it feels very symbolic:
Sigyn held the cup or bowl over her dear heart's face to stop the venom from hurting him...and now she wants me to make us* a cup of wine with flowers as an offering.
(* I think she wants me to have some with her.)

It does, in every way I look at it, feel like a direct request from her - from the 'wave' out of nowhere, that thought and image emerging, and the pressure in my chest.

I like to think she heard my thoughts to Loki (or heard them from Loki) and this is her way of trying to help me to 'fall back' and get over all my fear about my faithfulness and trust.

Maybe some girl time with Loki's loved ones will do me some good, eh?

Managing Time

I feel that one of my main problems is there isn't seriously enough hours in a day.

For example:

• Today is cleaning day so I have to hoover and dust my bedroom. 
• I also have three power points to be in this following week (two have to be in on Thursday) so I need to get some done today as well. 
• I've been neglecting to do any ritual or meditative work so I need to find space for that.
• I also want some free time to do things I like doing  to unwind (reading, blogging etc)
• It's also Sunday, so I need be to in bed at a reasonably hour for work tomorrow.

It amazes me constantly when I read others blogs or posts how well they can manage all these daily things and still have time left over without breaking a sweat. Maybe when I'm done with college, and hopefully have my own flat, I'll be in a position where I can devote more time to each without distractions.

I've read somewhere that cleaning the home can be turned/seen as a ritual (I suppose, cleansing the sacred space and what not) but I don't know if I can get past the 'oh-god-another-chore' feeling and look at it as something to look forward to just yet.

I have been lighting up the candles on Loki's corner lately but it doesn't feel like anything because I haven't been giving enough effort in my other areas. It feels like he's taken leave from the altar for the mean time until I can muster up something. 

It's funny how earlier this year it was constant dream after dream, and now it's very quiet - probably because I'm focusing so much on college now rather than earlier this year when I was pouring over the Edda's and thinking about them constantly.

Other Lokeans, and I, have all noticed that he does have periods when he's very 'there' and other times where he's flown off  for a while (away planning something big) and come back.

I'm hoping, internally, that he hasn't decided to hand me over to Odin for a little while - if he has then there's nothing I can really do; but after that dream and the way I acted, I've got the feeling that Odin will push me even harder in whatever he's there to teach me about. Eek.

Getting a kick up the ass from Loki

Okay, a few days after an incident with 'Dr-Leer-Down-Your-Top', I was in the office and I decided I had to talk with Loki about the problem. This is roughly how Loki's side of the conversation went:

(Loki, looking a bit pissed, arms crossed, while pacing around me) 

"You shouldn't have ducked your head when you caught him. Now he thinks he can get away with it. It's basic mammal instinct, especially with wolves, remember?*  He probably thinks, as well, because of that, that you're a blushing virgin who like his attention. Don't you shake your head, you know I'm right.

He thinks you're one of those virgins in the movies that blushes over anything remotely sexual...or when they do get them in bed, they have no clue at all about what sex is and go - " 

(He started dramatically throwing his head back, musing up his hair and rubbing his hands up and down his sides, speaking in a higher pitched voice) 

" "Ooooh, I don't know what's going on! I don't know what's happening to my body - Oooh!" " 

(He stopped right then and dropped his arms to his side, looking at me with such a dead straight face that I nearly started laughing right there in the office)

"So sweetheart, now you'll have to show him that it's not on. Raise your head, prove that you have more pride in yourself than that!

He probably thinks that because he's a doctor that he's allowed to look at you that way, or just because he's got a higher work position. 

Avoid situations like the corridor where he can get the result he wants, or maybe try wear a higher neck jumper next time to avoid giving him easy opportunities where he can snag a peek. Body language is key now. Show him who's in charge!" (smiling now) "Oh yeah, I want two digestive biscuits when you get home, okay?"

So that was me being told off by Loki.

Yesterday I saw 'Dr-Leer' again, but this time I didn't feel intimidated by him anymore - granted that I still kept my distance, but I just ignored him and didn't let myself worry about his presence. I felt a hundred times better with the situation now.

*  In wolf body language, a male wolf will lower his head or bares his neck to a wolf which is bigger/stronger or more superior in the pack than himself


Update:
All this happened on Wednesday 17th, and I gave Loki the biscuits then on the same day. I, just a few minutes ago, disposed of them by putting them outside my window, onto the roof, so they could be eaten by birds or whatever - circle of life and what not.
The first thing to attempt to reach them? A raven, like Odin's Muninn and Huginn. A hint that my offering was liked, maybe?

Personas In Teaching?

I read was reading an old forum about Loki: They had been describing how Loki acts around them. Some said he's very nice and cuddly, some he comes and goes leaving a bread crumb trail of tricks and mischief in their lives but is very lovable, and some said he's loyal and understanding.
Of coarse there then came the comments from the Heathens and other Pagans - "Loki is a god of chaos, he's not nice or friendly." "He's pure evil, how can he be lovely?!" etc, etc.

All that crap aside, it did make me wonder how Lokeans did have different stories of how he treats them.

I think (maybe) Loki appears to people as the figures they need most during the time he comes to them; as a protector, as a friend, as a trickster, as someone who will keep pushing and pushing them mercilessness to their limit till he's broken them down completely and built them up again. One of those persona's of Loki was the one they needed most - as if he studies them first, to find out the best way to get a reaction and the result he wants before acting. 

This is why, I believe, we heard so many different accounts of his behavior toward different Lokeans; it's not because they misunderstand him, it's just how he appears to each of us as individuals.

To me, Loki's taken a father-ish/teacher role. He's not cruel but more persistent, as that is the best method for me to learn - Keep showing me till I understand rather than scream it in my face and scare me off. 

He's a bit gentler in his methods and he takes a back seat, only steering me once in a while. 

No doubt he'll change once I'm older, but since he'll have known me for a good while by then, he might not have to resort to hard methods to continue to teach me.

Just my penny's worth.