Guess who's back....

Sorry for the absence; exams, college, work and general stress made me take a break from posting up here for a while.

Loki, Sigyn, Odin and the rest of them have been incredibly patient while I've been sorting my shit out, and even though I had tons of things to worry about, my thoughts weren't far from them.

But all that's over with for the mean time - I got an A for my HNC and have been accepted into next years HND course, I've had my jaw operation (which went better than the doctors had expected) and was out within two days of the surgery.

So this is me getting back, again, into the groove of things and apologizing to them for the lack of attention.

I'll post up the talks I've had with them in a bit, but that's me back anyways. Sorry for the wait.

Bonfire/Dancing Meditation

I've been trying this new technique for when I'm trying to meditate at night, and so far I've gotten positive results.
I imagine people dancing around a bonfire, with a few people playing music on the side. I start off by singing a folk song to the dancers, then I join in with the dancing which usually starts off in pairs spinning around the fire, before breaking off and dance alone - occasionally weaving arms as we go. After a while, I begin to physically feel movements which I see myself doing.

The first time I did this, I believe I heard Loki's real voice (it defiantly didn't feel connected to what I was visualizing in my head). But I can't remember what he said!
I then moved on, drawing the rune Gar in my head, and focused on Yggdrasil. Next thing I know is I'm being hauled upwards very quickly, my body was spinning as it went and I wanted to close my eyes and cover them with my hands.

Anyways, I decided to try again last night, to see if the dancing and singing somehow helps to hear Their voices better.
Here's how it went last night:

Stalker Ravens?

Sigyn's flowers finally bit the dust last night; the newest buds were still a lovely pale lilac colour, but  the stems were withering at points so they simply drooped over. I kept the white flowers, with the tiny buds though.
This morning I took the dying flowers out to a newly planted tree on the side of our road and placed them there at the base. When I reached my bus stop, I looked back, only to find two ravens hopping around the pavement near the remains. They must have thought it was food.
Still, I still can't help the instant feeling that they're really Muninn and Huginn, Odin's ravens. Whenever I'm leaving an offering, thinking about the gods, or something generally related to them, I always see two ravens flying about - could be coincidence, but I can't help but think that maybe Odin's keeping an eye on me... literally.
I KID, SIR, I KID! ...That's wasn't very tactful, sorry.

I also seem to be having problems with my back, probably from the amount of filing I had to do at work yesterday; I was hunched over my chair for five hours straight. Now I've got this knot near my shoulder blade (oddly, it also feels like its on my side, under my left arm) which grinds every time I try to breathe.
It was hard last night to do my meditation (I've started doing it at night, before bed) as the pain was more in line with my spinal cord, but not only hurting when I breathed, but pulsing/twitching a bit.
I can only hope that lying down will somehow ease the pain enough to carry on tonight.

Loki loves whiskey

I think Loki's been egging me on lately to get him some booze.
Last night I'd pulled out a small glass and a shot glass without even thinking about it. Shrugged it off I decided that I'd pour some wine for Sigyn and a shot for Loki. As I turned, there was an open bottle of whiskey on the counter that I hadn't noticed before.
"Right, ok then." and poured him his glass and took them upstairs (I keep a small bottle of wine for Sigyn in my cupboard).
When I placed his shot on to his altar, something fell off a table on the otherside of the room.
Okay then! Hello Loki, here's your booze - enjoy!

MIA

It seems that sometime around about when I got Sigyn her flowers last Friday, I lost my purse. No idea how.

I didn't notice till the Monday when I wanted to head up to the shop for snacks. I seriously tore my room to shreds looking for it. Then I remembered that I worship a certain Trickster...

So I was calling out to him for help and asking, if it was him, to put it back. The longer I spent looking for my purse, the more stressed I was getting. I started to take it out on him, saying stuff like:

"Seriously Loki; God or not, if this was you, I'm really gonna kick your ass! No joke!" 

All that got me was a snicker and a raised eyebrow, 'Oh really?', and he disappeared laughing, leaving me, nearly in tears, to look around my room again.

As you can guess, I didn't find my purse - if I did lose it while outside, there's no hope of me getting it back: it'd get picked up, money taken out of and the rest dumped in the bin...and if it was Loki or one of his kin, then there's no hope of it being returned...ever. 

My gut is still telling me it's somewhere in the house though.

 

I'm also a bit pissed because I had taken £20 out of my bank account earlier that day in case I bought more things for Sigyn that night; and there was about £5 in change too.

But the best part? 

Somehow, I've still got my debit card, ID and bus pass - my 'important cards'. Out of all the ones in my purse, my important ones were left, safe and sound, on my desk. 

I do have the habit of taking out my cards, then putting them into my pockets (rather than back into my purse) after...but I can't remember taking out my ID at all that week, so I've no idea how that one was safe.

The only cards that were left in my purse were one like my Waterstones point card, Library card, Organ Registrar Ticket, etc. I'll have to replace them at some point.

It could have been a lot worse though; I could have lost my debit card along with the purse, and whoever picked it up could have used my card online...or at a ATM, as I've never gotten round to changing my pin from the blindingly easy one it's at now. 

I felt like a bitch a few days later, once I accepted the fact that it was gone for good, over being pretty nasty to Loki; but he's been good natured over it and has been shrugging it off with a small grin. I think he liked the fact I was getting snappy.

Sigyn's offering

I think it went pretty well (although earlier I remembered I was going to get strawberries to add to her cup - whoops). Walking home, carrying a bundle of flowers to give to a certain goddess is probably one of the strangest thing's I've done so far, I'll admit.

I couldn't decided on the wine to give her, as I wanted to give her something sweet but I have no clue when it comes to drinks. I ended up sticking my finger in each and tasting them...and nearly dislocated my arm in the process of removing a cork from a wine I got about seven years ago. Loki got his beer while I concocted something for us girls.

It didn't taste all that great - but that could have just been me as I'm not a fan of wine, and hence why I doused it with Sprite to try and sweeten it up.

Things were pretty quiet for a while; just me watching the altar while sipping my drink.

I then decided to lift up Sigyn's bowl and hold it in my hands for a while.
After fifteen minuets, I was still holding out the bowl - arms shaking like nuts, hands twitching the bowl as if to toss out the drink. I could never possibly fully appreciate how hard it must have been for her to hold her own bowl over Loki for years and years - I only did fifteen minutes and I was struggling.

Conveniently, it was midnight when I put the bowl back, and meditated for another fifteen. It always feels like I'm being pulled upward when I meditate - not just my spine straightening, but really going up. There was also something touching my jaw and then on my cheek under my eye which got annoying up to the end.

There wasn't any hints as to why she wanted an impromptu 'Beltane Loving Cup' and she was silent throughout, as was Loki - funnily enough, during my bowl holding, I noticed that his candle had gone out. I might take that as him leaving while I basically reenacted what Sigyn has done (or will be doing - their time is different form ours) for him.

That was about it for that ritual anyways, nothing much. Maybe something will happen soon - this might have been part one in a sort of payment installment for asking for her help, I don't know.

I keep getting a warm feeling every time I turn round and look at their altar - almost feels like they're there, smiling at each other and sharing their drinks.

So, that's it for this post. I'll leave you with a new picture of the altar (it looks a lot cozier when the candles are lit and the oil burner is going...not to mention a bowl of wine and a pint of beer):

Since Sigyn has been hovering around, I feel more inclined to not say I'm a only a Lokean, but rather say I'm a Norse Pagan or 'right smack bang within the Rökkatru/Rökkr patheon'. Good times.

Fretting aside, I'm legitimatly looking forward to tonight with Siygn. Even the altar, which was Loki's corner, has become a bit more feminine looking - I gave her an old teddy I had since I was little and sat it amongst my pagan books.
I also found yesterday at college one of those small plastic flowers lying on the floor in the hallway - it was only the flower head, but it looked so out of place I instinctively picked it up and carried on. It's now sitting beside Loki's carnelian stone and Sigyn's rose quartz, at the base of my white candle.

If I had the room I'd make separate altars for any of them who stopped by, but for now it'll do - I don't think they mind too much sharing a space. I even think they rather like it.


Last night I tried some meditation lying down - to help me sleep. It was going pretty well, then cue a massive full body spasm which knocked my concentration and I couldn't get back into my rhythm. I'm used to twitching hands and heads turning suddenly, but this is a first that my entire body jolted.
Must have had a lot of tension that needed booted out, heh.

Ritual and Tarot

I've been going over and over the details for my offering to Sigyn tomorrow...today. It's also a full moon tonight, which is lovely - I'll have to ask out to Kari if he'll move the clouds out so we can see Mani through the window. It's been horrible weather for the past few days.

I've also been wondering where Loki has gone off to; is he just gone for the meantime? Is he waiting till Sigyn has taught me something before moving back in? What if he's really gone for good?

I think even if he's gone off me, I'll still leave offerings and pray; I would say I'm still a keen lover of the trickster even if he's left. I've had no clear indication from him as to if he's gone or not; besides from an absence, that even I can feel in my gut, saying he's not nearby. It makes me sad and tearful to think that he might have up and left...but like I said, he hasn't said he's passing me over to his wife so that could mean he's coming back.

For all I know he could have planned for us to have a 'girly get together' so we could sort out my issues for when he gets back - I have a small ounce of hope saying that is what's going on: Sigyn wants me to learn to have faith in something that looks impossible and to help heal up any wounds I might have reopened by mistake.
Whether it was Loki who asked Siygn for this or if it was Sigyn who insisted she'd be the one for this job, I don't know.

Times like these make me wish I could go to someone who does work with them and ask what's being said - but sadly all we have is normal psychics who do normal readings: no deity speakers, 'horses' or god workers here.

Speaking of readings: I did a tarot reading just now: I asked, in general, about this whole 'Loki leaving, Sigyn stepping up' event, and did it to the three card spread.

Past: King of Cups
Present: The Star
Future: 10 of Cups

And I then asked for Sigyn to give three things I need to do to improve myself (religiously).

1.  3 of Wands
2.  Knight of Swords
3.  The Chariot

Very interesting results....what more can I say.

Ouch..

I was thinking about preparations for giving Sigyn her May Cup this Friday and remembered I had a wax tart of Sweet Violet (I have a feeling they're one of her favorite flowers) in my candle box; which meant getting rid of the left overs of my last tart in my oil burner.

It was still a bit liquid at the top but I thought I'd manage to get it all down to the kitchen without spilling. Forgot to touch wood.

Spilled it all over my hands and found out rather quickly it was still scalding hot. It also went over the faces of my drawers and splashed on some tights in an open drawer below, and a few drops went onto my carpet.

Luckily I seem to be immune to hot wax so my hands are completely fine; blister and lobster coloured free. 

The wax easily lifted off the wood; but I had to pull what wax I could from my carpet with my fingers and found that using a wad of sandpaper-ish looking stuff lifted most of it out, which I didn't expect. (I wouldn't advise anyone to do this to their own carpets, I'm just a reckless idiot) I'll see how it looks after the next time I hoover.

 I also think I got the wax mostly out of my tights by dousing them in a bath of boiling water then adding cool water so the oil  on the the surface solidified.

At least I now know how not to go about cleaning my oil burner next time...and the best way to de-wax clothes. 

I bet Loki found all this quite amusing; it was basically all done as soon as I got the burner clear of his altar top.

Loki and Sigyn's request

I spent most of my time at work today having an internal dialogue to Loki.

I feel I have no faith; I believe in Loki but I've yet to come to the point where I can close my eyes and simply fall back into him. Most would say that's a good thing, to always keep my wits about Loki; but it's more the case where something will happen and I find myself thinking 'Was that really him doing that, or me?'

I could blame this on many things; my distrust with the Christian god and how I couldn't understand Christian's blind faith in him sometimes, my one sided struggle with Wicca for five years, my autism? It could just be that because I've been hurt so much in the past by friends, family and bullies that I have a struggle with really putting my full trust into anything.
But I want to learn to trust Loki fully.
I  have seen and received what I believe to be his methods of teaching and I'm thankful that I have; even when at times during them when I would almost shout 'enough' and give up.

I just need to find a way to stop the 'Could be's and 'What if's that creep into my head later.

-

I said to Loki then that I knew I blocked most things out, and if he has been trying to get through to me, I'm sorry and it really is something I need to over come. I really do want to beat this and break through the wall. I think, sometimes, of I had a sign - something very obvious to me that he's been around or is around - then that could very well be the starting point.
I'm not expecting miracles, but a hint would be nice.

-

In the end I kind of got one, I believe.

I'd been doing some work when I got what I could only describe as a 'surge' or 'wave'. Somehow it got translated in my head, and it showed me that Sigyn wanted me to make a 'May Cup' for her.

 I can't describe how weird it felt during that, and after it felt like I had a huge bubble in or around my chest. And there was the real urge to do this for her.

I felt instantly that this wasn't me doing this; I'd been thinking about something else when this suddenly appeared to me so it couldn't have just been my train of thought moving along.

 I thought it over; 'May Cup? Does she mean a Beltane Loving Cup? It's rather the wrong time of the year for that, isn't it?'
In the end, I spoke aloud to her that I'd do it; might take some time with getting the ingredient and what not, but I'd do it for her. I wrote it down on my hand to remember and the bubble around me moved on.

-

So since then I've been online and looking up things for the cup. I regret to say that it might not be the traditional drink of 'May Wine', made with woodruff and German wine, as I can't find the herb anywhere in the shops near me and although I am legal, most places don't accept my ID so I can't buy new wine.

I don't think she'd be too upset if I made something else for the cup; she didn't say it was to be  'May Wine', although that is traditional. I did get a mental image of a picture, from one of my Wiccan books, of a Beltane Loving Cup and I got the feeling that she likes the floating flowers in the cup more than the actual drink itself.

So, I'm planning on making up my own concoction.
I'll use a bottle of dry white wine I already have (I'll sweeten it up for her, as I feel she prefers her wines sweet) and add some sprite to make it bubbly. I'll chill it and add some strawberries when serving. Maybe I'll buy her flowers too, where I might float some flower-heads in her cup and  the rest can go on the altar.

I'll see if Loki would like something too; a beer or some kind of darker wine if he likes. I'm sure I've got a small bottle of whiskey with left that I could leave him; although I think there's only enough left to fill a shot glass or two (one for Odin maybe?)

-

Thinking about it now, it feels very symbolic:
Sigyn held the cup or bowl over her dear heart's face to stop the venom from hurting him...and now she wants me to make us* a cup of wine with flowers as an offering.
(* I think she wants me to have some with her.)

It does, in every way I look at it, feel like a direct request from her - from the 'wave' out of nowhere, that thought and image emerging, and the pressure in my chest.

I like to think she heard my thoughts to Loki (or heard them from Loki) and this is her way of trying to help me to 'fall back' and get over all my fear about my faithfulness and trust.

Maybe some girl time with Loki's loved ones will do me some good, eh?

Despite the sad ending, this video reminds me of Sigyn and Loki - no idea why though.