MOVING!!

Hi all.
As you may have noticed, this blog had been pretty inactive....okay, it's very inactive. Mostly because I moved to tumblr and have been stuck there for a good while.
The new blog is opentheflame.tumblr.com
Posts will still be pretty spontaneous: but with juggling college, work and a social life, that's a given.
A lot has changed over the past two years: I've gotten older and a bit wiser, but Loki has been lurking in the back ground, waiting for the right moment to pounce on me once he felt I had matured enough for the next step....which is now, apparently....
Anyways, please check on the new blog for newer posts.
Thanks!

Wotan and The Hunt

Last night's meditation found me on the outskirts of a forest with Mar circling around me.
We could hear music just over the hill and we could see a party happening around a bonfire when we peered over the mound.

Mimir's Well

Two nights ago I started up with meditating again to see who I'd meet and to get back into the habit of doing it nightly, as I find it easier to see/hear/talk to Loki and the others that way.

Guess who's back....

Sorry for the absence; exams, college, work and general stress made me take a break from posting up here for a while.

Loki, Sigyn, Odin and the rest of them have been incredibly patient while I've been sorting my shit out, and even though I had tons of things to worry about, my thoughts weren't far from them.

But all that's over with for the mean time - I got an A for my HNC and have been accepted into next years HND course, I've had my jaw operation (which went better than the doctors had expected) and was out within two days of the surgery.

So this is me getting back, again, into the groove of things and apologizing to them for the lack of attention.

I'll post up the talks I've had with them in a bit, but that's me back anyways. Sorry for the wait.

Gerda or Mengloth?

Last night I had been researching for my up coming surgery this year; I've got a slight overbite and my orthodontist wants me to get corrective surgery.
After about an hour online, I was pretty much stressing myself out; I'd see YouTube videos of before and the weeks following the procedure, a blog detailing what would happen, how they would crack my jaw and add plates.
Overall, I'm worried about the outcome after months of swelling and pain; would it be worth it or will there be barely any difference?

Later, when I was in bed, Loki told me "If you're really that worried, go and talk to someone."
He didn't mean "Go and wake up your Mum and have a chat" or "Ask your dentist", he meant "I know some people, but you're going to have to "travel" and find them yourself." Cheers for that, mate.

I laid back and tried to see if I could find them.

All the awards!

Elizabeth's written a (quite frankly brilliant) new post: 'She's Having A Go At Other Lokeans Again'

In a nutshell, what's been going around is this 'idea' that unless you are a god spouse, you aren't good enough/worthy enough/or a real Lokean (lolwut?), etc.
In reality there are many different ways to honor the gods, not just by becoming a spouse/consort, and Elizabeth's post addresses this.

Here's some snippets:

"Many people view Loki as a friend, an uncle, a brother, a father, even a sort of comrade-in arms. I know one Lokean whom He has referred to as “cousin,” and another who is a child of Loki, and who would find a spousal relationship with Him weird and unnatural. I know still others who haven’t troubled to define their relationship with Him. In fact, people can worship Him from a distance and still be Lokeans. People can even be not very religious at all and yet be Loki’s folk (though admittedly, that’s somewhat more difficult to pull off). The point is that they’re as much Loki’s own as anybody else who claims to be His consort or lover. Nobody but Loki, and the individual in question, gets to decide whether or not someone is His. This means you, too."

[...]

"I love Loki, and I want Him to be loved by as many people as are willing to love Him. And love comes in a myriad of forms, intensities, and expressions. It’s not my place to judge other people’s relationships with Him, and I am not worthy of determining whose love is more valid, meaningful or heartfelt. Neither are you."

Now seriously, go read her post :D

Bonfire/Dancing Meditation

I've been trying this new technique for when I'm trying to meditate at night, and so far I've gotten positive results.
I imagine people dancing around a bonfire, with a few people playing music on the side. I start off by singing a folk song to the dancers, then I join in with the dancing which usually starts off in pairs spinning around the fire, before breaking off and dance alone - occasionally weaving arms as we go. After a while, I begin to physically feel movements which I see myself doing.

The first time I did this, I believe I heard Loki's real voice (it defiantly didn't feel connected to what I was visualizing in my head). But I can't remember what he said!
I then moved on, drawing the rune Gar in my head, and focused on Yggdrasil. Next thing I know is I'm being hauled upwards very quickly, my body was spinning as it went and I wanted to close my eyes and cover them with my hands.

Anyways, I decided to try again last night, to see if the dancing and singing somehow helps to hear Their voices better.
Here's how it went last night:

The Rule of Loki: If there's no loop hole, he'll make one.

A year ago I saw a picture of someones tattoo, which was in dedication to Odin, and thought to myself: 'My type of dedication to Loki would probably be a red tee shirt with his name printed across the back.' The laugh I heard said he agreed with my choice.

Earlier this month he reminded me about that statement, so I went online and found tee shirts that were being made in America. After checking the price difference from dollars to pounds, I bought it and went to bed.

I woke up ten minutes later to 'it won't fiiiiit' in my head, and I couldn't rest until I checked for myself. The size chart said it would fit, and I went back to sleep...

'It's not going to fiiiiiit'. 

I checked again, and my chest had somehow grown four inches.  I was getting pretty stressed out over whether or not I'd order the right size, but gave up trying to measure myself- if it didn't fit then fuck it - and went back to bed.

Two days later, the email came in to say it was being dispatched. All seemed in order...then I saw this:

My Name
My Address
My Town
England
My postcode

...I happen to live in Scotland... even more stress. 

And so it continued for weeks, one little thing after another. I even said today at lunch 'It's probably fallen off the plane and into the ocean, or it's ended up in China. I really give up.' 

So you can imagine how happy I was when I opened my front door about an hour ago and there was the parcel in the middle of our door mat (the noise that came out of my mouth wasn't human).

So ta-da! Here it is, what all this trouble and stress has been about (my only complaint is despite it being the smallest size, it's still pretty baggy - ack well):

They're made here!

Update:

Loki's just reminded me of one of my unspoken rules: 

"Unless it has your name on it, DO NOT TOUCH" 

Seemed pretty solid at the time... fuck my life.

I think my suspicions that it was probably Odin were maybe right.

Last night I tried again with similar results; thought of the runes Os and Ehwaz, pressure point on my forehead, etc.
But last night the pressure moved to my right eye and it felt like someone pressing the heel of their hand softly into my eye socket. I tried to opened my eyes, but my right one remained closed.

I'm not scared of Odin, but I'm wary of him being around when I can't feel Loki nearby (plus the fact I've been pretty cheeky to Odin in past dreams, so I can't help but feel he might have it out for me - disrespect of the All Father and all that jazz).
So I stated my Terms and Conditions, like the first time someone took over.
I honestly didn't believe at all  he'd even listen or take in any of it, but when I finished and said "Okay, on you go", my arm give a massive jolt... so I took that as a 'alright then' and stood back.

He didn't stay for long and his presence didn't feel very strong either - not like the first time I tried it. Maybe I've been trying too quickly and should wait a bit longer before going at it again.

Fun with Runes!

Was practising 'letting them in' again last night; rather than writing the runes on my hand, I visualised the rune Os in my head. As soon as I had the shape traced in my mind, it felt like someone was pressing their finger really hard against my forehead (above the space between my eyebrows).
I thought to myself, "Well fuck, someone doesn't want me playing host."
I pulled back, deciding not to let my session go to waste, and focused on the runes Gar and Raido to help me travel. I only rose up a little bit before the finger on my forehead pushed me back down into myself.
"Okay, okay. I'll stop." And just rolled myself over to sulk to sleep. Still have no idea who it was that was pushing me back; though I suspect maybe Odin had a hand in it but don't have any proof yet.

This morning I was running extremely late for college due to buses being late ("Buses every 10 minutes" my ass!)
When I finally got onto one I realised that I wouldn't make the usual 25 minute journey (+ the 15mins to walk to the college) in the 20 minutes I had till class started.
Thinking "Oh I may as well, my luck can't get any worse right now," I visualised Raido and chanted 'swift travels' over and over in my head.
All the lights on the main road turned green one right after the other as our bus drove along, and it arrived in the town within five minutes.
Fuck yeah!

Gods prancing around in meat suits

The other night I decided I was going to let Loki 'in' for a little bit; I've heard about the risks and side effects, especially if you've never done it before, but curiosity simply got the better of me (and Loki seemed rather eager once I hinted at it).
So I got myself ready and he gave the clue to use runes to help move things long.

I found that rather then visualising or drawing runes in the air, I can connect to them better when I write them onto my skin - so I spent some time drawing a cocktail of different runes onto the back of my hand (some to help me 'let him in', some to help me retain some control, and the rest to help me travel and ground myself back into my body easily).

I don't know if runes are essential in letting your gods prance about in your meat suit, but Loki wanted me to use the runes to give me a bit more strength in those crucial areas; especially if something was to go wrong and I needed to jump back in pronto.

Normally it takes me a bit of relaxing and breathing before I even get the buzz that tells me something's happening, but this time as soon as I laid back I was off.

As a kid, I used to do this thing where I could trick my body and mind into thinking my bed was floating and rocking back and forth; I could even feel the motion of it moving. That feeling is kind of what it felt like when I laid down; a feeling of moving up and about while I could still feel my body lying on my bed

In my head I starting listing a few rules (not that Loki would really listen to them, but hopefully ones that he'd keep in mind). Things like: not to cause myself bodily harm while he's got free rein of my body, not to hurt family/friends/pets, to try and resist messing with our personal/valuable items...or if he couldn't resist, to not break them, etc.

Once I did all that, I stepped back and let him have at it.

There was an immediate pressure on my forehead, like someone pressing a hand to it. Then my neck started twinging, giving the notion of wanting to move my head backwards.
I got the sense that it'd relieve the pressure on my forehead if I let him move my head back, so I opened up a bit more and allowed him to do so...very slowly. That kind of made me freak out for a few minutes while he did that, as I could not physically stop my head or body from moving once I gave him the green light. I really couldn't move or influence my body at all.

It got to the point where Loki couldn't move my head any further back, and my torso was trying to sit upright...which was giving him trouble as I was in a lying down position with my arms pinned by my sides, but damn was Loki trying to sit me up anyways. Finally he gave a small lurch upwards, and I instantly managed to take over. I called for a time out and Loki happily stepped out fully.

Dear Loki,

You know that tee shirt I really like wearing?

The really comfy one?
It's the one of my family-friend's band?
That he gave to me at one of their gigs?

Yes, the black and white one with the logo on the front. Right..... care to explain why it's now black and navy blue?

No? Thought so.

Here's a song I wrote for Odin nearly a year ago; I've only just had the motivation to post it up. Any ways, it follows a walking beat (I'd try and describe the song to go with it, but it'd probably sound confusing. I'd be better off making a recording later and putting it up later).

The Wanderer walks down a lonely road,
Gathering stories yet to be told.
As the darkness falls and the wind begins to call,
He follows the only road he's even known;
The lonely, wandering, traveller's road.  

As mountains rise; reaching ever blue skies,
The horizon stretches on, and the trail still leads beyond.
With a fur cloak wrap, and his ever wide brimmed hat,
Looks on with one good eye, and the wolves begin to cry.  

But he keeps walking down the ever winding road;
The lonely, wandering, travellers road.  

As his good friend, Thunder, laughs from up above,
And his dark feathered ravens being to hove.
While his blood brother, Fire, smiles and warms his hands,
Like a ship he's never sure, quite where he will land. 

But he keeps walking down the ever winding road;
The lonely, wandering, travellers road. 

No companions, only shadows, who come in tow,
With the traveller on the winding road. 

The lonely wanderer on the endless road.

Root Chakra TLC?

After my shower something grabbed my attention and it basically said I needed to start looking after my body. So I raided my makeup drawer without really thinking on it and started to rub in body moisturiser all over my legs and body; also while worrying about how I was going to do my night meditation with all this junk all over my skin that could possibly block out things. But I kept going, nodding when it said to pay attention to my feet, which I did after I'd finished the rest of me.

It was only when I was done rubbing it into my skin and was massaging the soles of my feet that I realised I was giving some serious TLC to my root chakra. I then another message that basically said this:
'You need to cleanse yourself for what's going to happen next. You've been collecting too much bad energy from everything around you, even from the ground you've been walking on.  So we're starting from the very beginning, bottom to top, roots first.'
Then I got the notion that I'll be moving on to other parts of my body or chakras as time goes on.

After that, I threw on my slippers to make my way to my bed (it felt like I needed to keep my feet off the floor directly for a while), got out some incense and am now away to try and meditate for a bit on what the hell this master plan is.

Mum had been watching some video on Youtube about a celeb's suicide (sorry, I didn't catch whose) and I stood around as they interviewed some of his famous friends. 

They were at what looked like a fancy dinner (an award show maybe) in tuxs, saying things to the camera like 'he was such a nice bloke', 'was always happy', 'it's a shame he's gone' etc.

I thought that was a bit rich them saying that, while at some sort of party which they were happily enjoying without sparing their friend a thought. Even in their eyes you could see it didn't look like they were even grieving his death one little bit.

'People have only nice things to say after they're dead.'
"Harsh, Lokes." I went upstairs for a bit, thought about what he said, then asked, "Did that comment have something to do with Balder by any chance?"
'......Perhaps.' and off he went. What a bundle of sunshine he is.

Stalker Ravens?

Sigyn's flowers finally bit the dust last night; the newest buds were still a lovely pale lilac colour, but  the stems were withering at points so they simply drooped over. I kept the white flowers, with the tiny buds though.
This morning I took the dying flowers out to a newly planted tree on the side of our road and placed them there at the base. When I reached my bus stop, I looked back, only to find two ravens hopping around the pavement near the remains. They must have thought it was food.
Still, I still can't help the instant feeling that they're really Muninn and Huginn, Odin's ravens. Whenever I'm leaving an offering, thinking about the gods, or something generally related to them, I always see two ravens flying about - could be coincidence, but I can't help but think that maybe Odin's keeping an eye on me... literally.
I KID, SIR, I KID! ...That's wasn't very tactful, sorry.

I also seem to be having problems with my back, probably from the amount of filing I had to do at work yesterday; I was hunched over my chair for five hours straight. Now I've got this knot near my shoulder blade (oddly, it also feels like its on my side, under my left arm) which grinds every time I try to breathe.
It was hard last night to do my meditation (I've started doing it at night, before bed) as the pain was more in line with my spinal cord, but not only hurting when I breathed, but pulsing/twitching a bit.
I can only hope that lying down will somehow ease the pain enough to carry on tonight.

Loki loves whiskey

I think Loki's been egging me on lately to get him some booze.
Last night I'd pulled out a small glass and a shot glass without even thinking about it. Shrugged it off I decided that I'd pour some wine for Sigyn and a shot for Loki. As I turned, there was an open bottle of whiskey on the counter that I hadn't noticed before.
"Right, ok then." and poured him his glass and took them upstairs (I keep a small bottle of wine for Sigyn in my cupboard).
When I placed his shot on to his altar, something fell off a table on the otherside of the room.
Okay then! Hello Loki, here's your booze - enjoy!

I've been giving Loki and Sigyn free rein over my music; and for the past half hour I've been lying on my bed while Loki's been playing with my ear and choosing slow, soothing songs on my iTunes.
Feeling pretty relaxed and sleepy, I asked him to choose another after that.

The song then ends, and Electric Six's 'Danger! High Voltage' comes on.

Way to ruin the mood, dear.

Update:
Since typing that last part, he's played 'The Bed Intruder Song' (hide yo kids, hide yo wife) and 'I Want To Be A Hippy' by Technohead (which I downloaded when I first met Loki because we both thought it was funny).

I'm sick of hearing other people looking at women in the street and only seeing flaws, flaws, flaws in how they look.

I'm sick of sitting in the bus and hearing girls next to me talking about guys who have been disgusted over the fact they have big thighs, or small breasts or because they don't bikini wax (and thus not making themselves look like little children down there).

I'm sick of women feeling ashamed over how they look because the world has this strict criteria of what makes a women beautiful and what doesn't.

Everyone, especially men, needs to seriously wake up and realize that this big idea of how women should look is a load of crap. What give you right to tell a women that SHE must change her appearance to check the boxes that society has set in place. Why must she lose weight to become beautiful? Why must she get a boob job to be beautiful? Why does she have to dumb herself down to be beautiful? Why does she have to wear six inch heels, a tiny skirt and a strap top with the neck ending at her mid drift to be beautiful? Why does she have to show all and offer herself up like some sort of prize pony to be beautiful?

When Marilyn Monroe was alive, she was roughly a size 16 (US size 12) and men were falling at her feet. Yet today, men are disgusted by the thought of a women who is that same size. When did being curvy be a bad thing?: When the world one day decided it was. Same goes for being intellectual and free thinking - one day it was treasured, then the next it's something grotesque and undesirable.

If a man wants a women - who is slim, blonde haired, blue eyed, submissive, who'll dress up in the latest fashion for him and will cling to his arm as his trophy until he gets bored and throws her away for a new one - then he can go to the shops and buy a fucking Barbie doll.

/rant

MIA

It seems that sometime around about when I got Sigyn her flowers last Friday, I lost my purse. No idea how.

I didn't notice till the Monday when I wanted to head up to the shop for snacks. I seriously tore my room to shreds looking for it. Then I remembered that I worship a certain Trickster...

So I was calling out to him for help and asking, if it was him, to put it back. The longer I spent looking for my purse, the more stressed I was getting. I started to take it out on him, saying stuff like:

"Seriously Loki; God or not, if this was you, I'm really gonna kick your ass! No joke!" 

All that got me was a snicker and a raised eyebrow, 'Oh really?', and he disappeared laughing, leaving me, nearly in tears, to look around my room again.

As you can guess, I didn't find my purse - if I did lose it while outside, there's no hope of me getting it back: it'd get picked up, money taken out of and the rest dumped in the bin...and if it was Loki or one of his kin, then there's no hope of it being returned...ever. 

My gut is still telling me it's somewhere in the house though.

 

I'm also a bit pissed because I had taken £20 out of my bank account earlier that day in case I bought more things for Sigyn that night; and there was about £5 in change too.

But the best part? 

Somehow, I've still got my debit card, ID and bus pass - my 'important cards'. Out of all the ones in my purse, my important ones were left, safe and sound, on my desk. 

I do have the habit of taking out my cards, then putting them into my pockets (rather than back into my purse) after...but I can't remember taking out my ID at all that week, so I've no idea how that one was safe.

The only cards that were left in my purse were one like my Waterstones point card, Library card, Organ Registrar Ticket, etc. I'll have to replace them at some point.

It could have been a lot worse though; I could have lost my debit card along with the purse, and whoever picked it up could have used my card online...or at a ATM, as I've never gotten round to changing my pin from the blindingly easy one it's at now. 

I felt like a bitch a few days later, once I accepted the fact that it was gone for good, over being pretty nasty to Loki; but he's been good natured over it and has been shrugging it off with a small grin. I think he liked the fact I was getting snappy.