Loki and Sigyn's request

I spent most of my time at work today having an internal dialogue to Loki.

I feel I have no faith; I believe in Loki but I've yet to come to the point where I can close my eyes and simply fall back into him. Most would say that's a good thing, to always keep my wits about Loki; but it's more the case where something will happen and I find myself thinking 'Was that really him doing that, or me?'

I could blame this on many things; my distrust with the Christian god and how I couldn't understand Christian's blind faith in him sometimes, my one sided struggle with Wicca for five years, my autism? It could just be that because I've been hurt so much in the past by friends, family and bullies that I have a struggle with really putting my full trust into anything.
But I want to learn to trust Loki fully.
I  have seen and received what I believe to be his methods of teaching and I'm thankful that I have; even when at times during them when I would almost shout 'enough' and give up.

I just need to find a way to stop the 'Could be's and 'What if's that creep into my head later.

-

I said to Loki then that I knew I blocked most things out, and if he has been trying to get through to me, I'm sorry and it really is something I need to over come. I really do want to beat this and break through the wall. I think, sometimes, of I had a sign - something very obvious to me that he's been around or is around - then that could very well be the starting point.
I'm not expecting miracles, but a hint would be nice.

-

In the end I kind of got one, I believe.

I'd been doing some work when I got what I could only describe as a 'surge' or 'wave'. Somehow it got translated in my head, and it showed me that Sigyn wanted me to make a 'May Cup' for her.

 I can't describe how weird it felt during that, and after it felt like I had a huge bubble in or around my chest. And there was the real urge to do this for her.

I felt instantly that this wasn't me doing this; I'd been thinking about something else when this suddenly appeared to me so it couldn't have just been my train of thought moving along.

 I thought it over; 'May Cup? Does she mean a Beltane Loving Cup? It's rather the wrong time of the year for that, isn't it?'
In the end, I spoke aloud to her that I'd do it; might take some time with getting the ingredient and what not, but I'd do it for her. I wrote it down on my hand to remember and the bubble around me moved on.

-

So since then I've been online and looking up things for the cup. I regret to say that it might not be the traditional drink of 'May Wine', made with woodruff and German wine, as I can't find the herb anywhere in the shops near me and although I am legal, most places don't accept my ID so I can't buy new wine.

I don't think she'd be too upset if I made something else for the cup; she didn't say it was to be  'May Wine', although that is traditional. I did get a mental image of a picture, from one of my Wiccan books, of a Beltane Loving Cup and I got the feeling that she likes the floating flowers in the cup more than the actual drink itself.

So, I'm planning on making up my own concoction.
I'll use a bottle of dry white wine I already have (I'll sweeten it up for her, as I feel she prefers her wines sweet) and add some sprite to make it bubbly. I'll chill it and add some strawberries when serving. Maybe I'll buy her flowers too, where I might float some flower-heads in her cup and  the rest can go on the altar.

I'll see if Loki would like something too; a beer or some kind of darker wine if he likes. I'm sure I've got a small bottle of whiskey with left that I could leave him; although I think there's only enough left to fill a shot glass or two (one for Odin maybe?)

-

Thinking about it now, it feels very symbolic:
Sigyn held the cup or bowl over her dear heart's face to stop the venom from hurting him...and now she wants me to make us* a cup of wine with flowers as an offering.
(* I think she wants me to have some with her.)

It does, in every way I look at it, feel like a direct request from her - from the 'wave' out of nowhere, that thought and image emerging, and the pressure in my chest.

I like to think she heard my thoughts to Loki (or heard them from Loki) and this is her way of trying to help me to 'fall back' and get over all my fear about my faithfulness and trust.

Maybe some girl time with Loki's loved ones will do me some good, eh?