Bonfire/Dancing Meditation

I've been trying this new technique for when I'm trying to meditate at night, and so far I've gotten positive results.
I imagine people dancing around a bonfire, with a few people playing music on the side. I start off by singing a folk song to the dancers, then I join in with the dancing which usually starts off in pairs spinning around the fire, before breaking off and dance alone - occasionally weaving arms as we go. After a while, I begin to physically feel movements which I see myself doing.

The first time I did this, I believe I heard Loki's real voice (it defiantly didn't feel connected to what I was visualizing in my head). But I can't remember what he said!
I then moved on, drawing the rune Gar in my head, and focused on Yggdrasil. Next thing I know is I'm being hauled upwards very quickly, my body was spinning as it went and I wanted to close my eyes and cover them with my hands.

Anyways, I decided to try again last night, to see if the dancing and singing somehow helps to hear Their voices better.
Here's how it went last night:

The Rule of Loki: If there's no loop hole, he'll make one.

A year ago I saw a picture of someones tattoo, which was in dedication to Odin, and thought to myself: 'My type of dedication to Loki would probably be a red tee shirt with his name printed across the back.' The laugh I heard said he agreed with my choice.

Earlier this month he reminded me about that statement, so I went online and found tee shirts that were being made in America. After checking the price difference from dollars to pounds, I bought it and went to bed.

I woke up ten minutes later to 'it won't fiiiiit' in my head, and I couldn't rest until I checked for myself. The size chart said it would fit, and I went back to sleep...

'It's not going to fiiiiiit'. 

I checked again, and my chest had somehow grown four inches.  I was getting pretty stressed out over whether or not I'd order the right size, but gave up trying to measure myself- if it didn't fit then fuck it - and went back to bed.

Two days later, the email came in to say it was being dispatched. All seemed in order...then I saw this:

My Name
My Address
My Town
England
My postcode

...I happen to live in Scotland... even more stress. 

And so it continued for weeks, one little thing after another. I even said today at lunch 'It's probably fallen off the plane and into the ocean, or it's ended up in China. I really give up.' 

So you can imagine how happy I was when I opened my front door about an hour ago and there was the parcel in the middle of our door mat (the noise that came out of my mouth wasn't human).

So ta-da! Here it is, what all this trouble and stress has been about (my only complaint is despite it being the smallest size, it's still pretty baggy - ack well):

They're made here!

Update:

Loki's just reminded me of one of my unspoken rules: 

"Unless it has your name on it, DO NOT TOUCH" 

Seemed pretty solid at the time... fuck my life.

I think my suspicions that it was probably Odin were maybe right.

Last night I tried again with similar results; thought of the runes Os and Ehwaz, pressure point on my forehead, etc.
But last night the pressure moved to my right eye and it felt like someone pressing the heel of their hand softly into my eye socket. I tried to opened my eyes, but my right one remained closed.

I'm not scared of Odin, but I'm wary of him being around when I can't feel Loki nearby (plus the fact I've been pretty cheeky to Odin in past dreams, so I can't help but feel he might have it out for me - disrespect of the All Father and all that jazz).
So I stated my Terms and Conditions, like the first time someone took over.
I honestly didn't believe at all  he'd even listen or take in any of it, but when I finished and said "Okay, on you go", my arm give a massive jolt... so I took that as a 'alright then' and stood back.

He didn't stay for long and his presence didn't feel very strong either - not like the first time I tried it. Maybe I've been trying too quickly and should wait a bit longer before going at it again.

Fun with Runes!

Was practising 'letting them in' again last night; rather than writing the runes on my hand, I visualised the rune Os in my head. As soon as I had the shape traced in my mind, it felt like someone was pressing their finger really hard against my forehead (above the space between my eyebrows).
I thought to myself, "Well fuck, someone doesn't want me playing host."
I pulled back, deciding not to let my session go to waste, and focused on the runes Gar and Raido to help me travel. I only rose up a little bit before the finger on my forehead pushed me back down into myself.
"Okay, okay. I'll stop." And just rolled myself over to sulk to sleep. Still have no idea who it was that was pushing me back; though I suspect maybe Odin had a hand in it but don't have any proof yet.

This morning I was running extremely late for college due to buses being late ("Buses every 10 minutes" my ass!)
When I finally got onto one I realised that I wouldn't make the usual 25 minute journey (+ the 15mins to walk to the college) in the 20 minutes I had till class started.
Thinking "Oh I may as well, my luck can't get any worse right now," I visualised Raido and chanted 'swift travels' over and over in my head.
All the lights on the main road turned green one right after the other as our bus drove along, and it arrived in the town within five minutes.
Fuck yeah!

Gods prancing around in meat suits

The other night I decided I was going to let Loki 'in' for a little bit; I've heard about the risks and side effects, especially if you've never done it before, but curiosity simply got the better of me (and Loki seemed rather eager once I hinted at it).
So I got myself ready and he gave the clue to use runes to help move things long.

I found that rather then visualising or drawing runes in the air, I can connect to them better when I write them onto my skin - so I spent some time drawing a cocktail of different runes onto the back of my hand (some to help me 'let him in', some to help me retain some control, and the rest to help me travel and ground myself back into my body easily).

I don't know if runes are essential in letting your gods prance about in your meat suit, but Loki wanted me to use the runes to give me a bit more strength in those crucial areas; especially if something was to go wrong and I needed to jump back in pronto.

Normally it takes me a bit of relaxing and breathing before I even get the buzz that tells me something's happening, but this time as soon as I laid back I was off.

As a kid, I used to do this thing where I could trick my body and mind into thinking my bed was floating and rocking back and forth; I could even feel the motion of it moving. That feeling is kind of what it felt like when I laid down; a feeling of moving up and about while I could still feel my body lying on my bed

In my head I starting listing a few rules (not that Loki would really listen to them, but hopefully ones that he'd keep in mind). Things like: not to cause myself bodily harm while he's got free rein of my body, not to hurt family/friends/pets, to try and resist messing with our personal/valuable items...or if he couldn't resist, to not break them, etc.

Once I did all that, I stepped back and let him have at it.

There was an immediate pressure on my forehead, like someone pressing a hand to it. Then my neck started twinging, giving the notion of wanting to move my head backwards.
I got the sense that it'd relieve the pressure on my forehead if I let him move my head back, so I opened up a bit more and allowed him to do so...very slowly. That kind of made me freak out for a few minutes while he did that, as I could not physically stop my head or body from moving once I gave him the green light. I really couldn't move or influence my body at all.

It got to the point where Loki couldn't move my head any further back, and my torso was trying to sit upright...which was giving him trouble as I was in a lying down position with my arms pinned by my sides, but damn was Loki trying to sit me up anyways. Finally he gave a small lurch upwards, and I instantly managed to take over. I called for a time out and Loki happily stepped out fully.

Dear Loki,

You know that tee shirt I really like wearing?

The really comfy one?
It's the one of my family-friend's band?
That he gave to me at one of their gigs?

Yes, the black and white one with the logo on the front. Right..... care to explain why it's now black and navy blue?

No? Thought so.

Here's a song I wrote for Odin nearly a year ago; I've only just had the motivation to post it up. Any ways, it follows a walking beat (I'd try and describe the song to go with it, but it'd probably sound confusing. I'd be better off making a recording later and putting it up later).

The Wanderer walks down a lonely road,
Gathering stories yet to be told.
As the darkness falls and the wind begins to call,
He follows the only road he's even known;
The lonely, wandering, traveller's road.  

As mountains rise; reaching ever blue skies,
The horizon stretches on, and the trail still leads beyond.
With a fur cloak wrap, and his ever wide brimmed hat,
Looks on with one good eye, and the wolves begin to cry.  

But he keeps walking down the ever winding road;
The lonely, wandering, travellers road.  

As his good friend, Thunder, laughs from up above,
And his dark feathered ravens being to hove.
While his blood brother, Fire, smiles and warms his hands,
Like a ship he's never sure, quite where he will land. 

But he keeps walking down the ever winding road;
The lonely, wandering, travellers road. 

No companions, only shadows, who come in tow,
With the traveller on the winding road. 

The lonely wanderer on the endless road.

Root Chakra TLC?

After my shower something grabbed my attention and it basically said I needed to start looking after my body. So I raided my makeup drawer without really thinking on it and started to rub in body moisturiser all over my legs and body; also while worrying about how I was going to do my night meditation with all this junk all over my skin that could possibly block out things. But I kept going, nodding when it said to pay attention to my feet, which I did after I'd finished the rest of me.

It was only when I was done rubbing it into my skin and was massaging the soles of my feet that I realised I was giving some serious TLC to my root chakra. I then another message that basically said this:
'You need to cleanse yourself for what's going to happen next. You've been collecting too much bad energy from everything around you, even from the ground you've been walking on.  So we're starting from the very beginning, bottom to top, roots first.'
Then I got the notion that I'll be moving on to other parts of my body or chakras as time goes on.

After that, I threw on my slippers to make my way to my bed (it felt like I needed to keep my feet off the floor directly for a while), got out some incense and am now away to try and meditate for a bit on what the hell this master plan is.

Mum had been watching some video on Youtube about a celeb's suicide (sorry, I didn't catch whose) and I stood around as they interviewed some of his famous friends. 

They were at what looked like a fancy dinner (an award show maybe) in tuxs, saying things to the camera like 'he was such a nice bloke', 'was always happy', 'it's a shame he's gone' etc.

I thought that was a bit rich them saying that, while at some sort of party which they were happily enjoying without sparing their friend a thought. Even in their eyes you could see it didn't look like they were even grieving his death one little bit.

'People have only nice things to say after they're dead.'
"Harsh, Lokes." I went upstairs for a bit, thought about what he said, then asked, "Did that comment have something to do with Balder by any chance?"
'......Perhaps.' and off he went. What a bundle of sunshine he is.

Stalker Ravens?

Sigyn's flowers finally bit the dust last night; the newest buds were still a lovely pale lilac colour, but  the stems were withering at points so they simply drooped over. I kept the white flowers, with the tiny buds though.
This morning I took the dying flowers out to a newly planted tree on the side of our road and placed them there at the base. When I reached my bus stop, I looked back, only to find two ravens hopping around the pavement near the remains. They must have thought it was food.
Still, I still can't help the instant feeling that they're really Muninn and Huginn, Odin's ravens. Whenever I'm leaving an offering, thinking about the gods, or something generally related to them, I always see two ravens flying about - could be coincidence, but I can't help but think that maybe Odin's keeping an eye on me... literally.
I KID, SIR, I KID! ...That's wasn't very tactful, sorry.

I also seem to be having problems with my back, probably from the amount of filing I had to do at work yesterday; I was hunched over my chair for five hours straight. Now I've got this knot near my shoulder blade (oddly, it also feels like its on my side, under my left arm) which grinds every time I try to breathe.
It was hard last night to do my meditation (I've started doing it at night, before bed) as the pain was more in line with my spinal cord, but not only hurting when I breathed, but pulsing/twitching a bit.
I can only hope that lying down will somehow ease the pain enough to carry on tonight.

Loki loves whiskey

I think Loki's been egging me on lately to get him some booze.
Last night I'd pulled out a small glass and a shot glass without even thinking about it. Shrugged it off I decided that I'd pour some wine for Sigyn and a shot for Loki. As I turned, there was an open bottle of whiskey on the counter that I hadn't noticed before.
"Right, ok then." and poured him his glass and took them upstairs (I keep a small bottle of wine for Sigyn in my cupboard).
When I placed his shot on to his altar, something fell off a table on the otherside of the room.
Okay then! Hello Loki, here's your booze - enjoy!

I've been giving Loki and Sigyn free rein over my music; and for the past half hour I've been lying on my bed while Loki's been playing with my ear and choosing slow, soothing songs on my iTunes.
Feeling pretty relaxed and sleepy, I asked him to choose another after that.

The song then ends, and Electric Six's 'Danger! High Voltage' comes on.

Way to ruin the mood, dear.

Update:
Since typing that last part, he's played 'The Bed Intruder Song' (hide yo kids, hide yo wife) and 'I Want To Be A Hippy' by Technohead (which I downloaded when I first met Loki because we both thought it was funny).

I'm sick of hearing other people looking at women in the street and only seeing flaws, flaws, flaws in how they look.

I'm sick of sitting in the bus and hearing girls next to me talking about guys who have been disgusted over the fact they have big thighs, or small breasts or because they don't bikini wax (and thus not making themselves look like little children down there).

I'm sick of women feeling ashamed over how they look because the world has this strict criteria of what makes a women beautiful and what doesn't.

Everyone, especially men, needs to seriously wake up and realize that this big idea of how women should look is a load of crap. What give you right to tell a women that SHE must change her appearance to check the boxes that society has set in place. Why must she lose weight to become beautiful? Why must she get a boob job to be beautiful? Why does she have to dumb herself down to be beautiful? Why does she have to wear six inch heels, a tiny skirt and a strap top with the neck ending at her mid drift to be beautiful? Why does she have to show all and offer herself up like some sort of prize pony to be beautiful?

When Marilyn Monroe was alive, she was roughly a size 16 (US size 12) and men were falling at her feet. Yet today, men are disgusted by the thought of a women who is that same size. When did being curvy be a bad thing?: When the world one day decided it was. Same goes for being intellectual and free thinking - one day it was treasured, then the next it's something grotesque and undesirable.

If a man wants a women - who is slim, blonde haired, blue eyed, submissive, who'll dress up in the latest fashion for him and will cling to his arm as his trophy until he gets bored and throws her away for a new one - then he can go to the shops and buy a fucking Barbie doll.

/rant

MIA

It seems that sometime around about when I got Sigyn her flowers last Friday, I lost my purse. No idea how.

I didn't notice till the Monday when I wanted to head up to the shop for snacks. I seriously tore my room to shreds looking for it. Then I remembered that I worship a certain Trickster...

So I was calling out to him for help and asking, if it was him, to put it back. The longer I spent looking for my purse, the more stressed I was getting. I started to take it out on him, saying stuff like:

"Seriously Loki; God or not, if this was you, I'm really gonna kick your ass! No joke!" 

All that got me was a snicker and a raised eyebrow, 'Oh really?', and he disappeared laughing, leaving me, nearly in tears, to look around my room again.

As you can guess, I didn't find my purse - if I did lose it while outside, there's no hope of me getting it back: it'd get picked up, money taken out of and the rest dumped in the bin...and if it was Loki or one of his kin, then there's no hope of it being returned...ever. 

My gut is still telling me it's somewhere in the house though.

 

I'm also a bit pissed because I had taken £20 out of my bank account earlier that day in case I bought more things for Sigyn that night; and there was about £5 in change too.

But the best part? 

Somehow, I've still got my debit card, ID and bus pass - my 'important cards'. Out of all the ones in my purse, my important ones were left, safe and sound, on my desk. 

I do have the habit of taking out my cards, then putting them into my pockets (rather than back into my purse) after...but I can't remember taking out my ID at all that week, so I've no idea how that one was safe.

The only cards that were left in my purse were one like my Waterstones point card, Library card, Organ Registrar Ticket, etc. I'll have to replace them at some point.

It could have been a lot worse though; I could have lost my debit card along with the purse, and whoever picked it up could have used my card online...or at a ATM, as I've never gotten round to changing my pin from the blindingly easy one it's at now. 

I felt like a bitch a few days later, once I accepted the fact that it was gone for good, over being pretty nasty to Loki; but he's been good natured over it and has been shrugging it off with a small grin. I think he liked the fact I was getting snappy.

Remeberance

My Mum's youth group happens to be a Christian one and we attend the Remembrance Sunday service each year, along with the boys from the other youth group.

Although I'm not Christian, I can deal with sitting in a church while our ministers prattles on about sins and what not; after all, it's about remembering fallen soldiers. I say my prayers to Hela then zoned out for the rest of the service (i.e, while he preaches for about an hour or two till no one knows what he's on about)

The minister caught my attention when he said, in a nutshell, that Christians are the only ones who pay remembrance to November 11th.

I found it a bit cheeky to assume that; considering the fact that I'm Norse Pagan and I was paying my respects. I'm sure Jews and Atheists remember and do something towards the fallen.


I'd be interested to see how others, who aren't under the Christian umbrella, pay their respects. Lighting a candle? A prayer to your local death deity? Some sort of service or group gathering? A minutes silence or wearing a poppy?

A Case of the Crazies

Round about the time I started college, I'd gotten on my usual bus back home. Across from me were two girls, one whom I knew from school.

A few stops into the journey, a man wearing scruffy clothes and a massive travelling rucksack came onto the bus and stood by the drivers cab, talking to him. Assuming he was a friend or regular of the driver, I ignored him and daydreamed.

A few minutes later he came up towards the back of the bus. Up close he looked far rougher than I imagined, and on instinct I slide my bag between myself and the window. He sat down in the seat behind the girls.

And he started to talk to them. Asked them if they went to school, what they studied. They lied of course, said they were studying to be chiefs; it's only natural when a weird man, who you have never met before, starts a random conversation. They continued to chat to each other, occasionally answering the man with short answers before returning to their own conversations. Yet, the man carried on talking to them.

I continued to stare out of the window, half listening.

"He must have something wrong with him, or he's a junkie." I thought. "He's probably crazy."

'Crazy like me?' asked Loki softly. "Aren't we all a little bit crazy?"

That made me stop and think, and after a few moments I started to listen to the man.

He praised them on going to school and said that he himself was once a chief; but he got into the wrong crowd, did drugs, and one night a fight broke out. Someone stabbed him with a used needle...and ended up he had contracted HIV from the wound. He had to quit his job as a chief. But he seemed happy; he told them he had been travelling around Africa for a five years, and was back to Scotland to visit a friend.

He then got off at his stop and as the bus carried on. The girls started to laugh. They giggled over how they thought he was going to mug them. They called him a psycho, a weirdo,  mocked his story.

I felt a swell of anger towards them. I felt I had taken and learned something from his story, which he had chosen to talk about to two random girls on a bus. I felt I had been given a small grain of wisdom, and was horrified that they simply dismissed him because he had spoken to them.

I then became angry at myself for judging him so quickly at the start.

I felt Loki smile and nod.

'Maybe crazy people aren't all that crazy. Maybe they are simply travelers who have a good story to tell.'

Sigyn's offering

I think it went pretty well (although earlier I remembered I was going to get strawberries to add to her cup - whoops). Walking home, carrying a bundle of flowers to give to a certain goddess is probably one of the strangest thing's I've done so far, I'll admit.

I couldn't decided on the wine to give her, as I wanted to give her something sweet but I have no clue when it comes to drinks. I ended up sticking my finger in each and tasting them...and nearly dislocated my arm in the process of removing a cork from a wine I got about seven years ago. Loki got his beer while I concocted something for us girls.

It didn't taste all that great - but that could have just been me as I'm not a fan of wine, and hence why I doused it with Sprite to try and sweeten it up.

Things were pretty quiet for a while; just me watching the altar while sipping my drink.

I then decided to lift up Sigyn's bowl and hold it in my hands for a while.
After fifteen minuets, I was still holding out the bowl - arms shaking like nuts, hands twitching the bowl as if to toss out the drink. I could never possibly fully appreciate how hard it must have been for her to hold her own bowl over Loki for years and years - I only did fifteen minutes and I was struggling.

Conveniently, it was midnight when I put the bowl back, and meditated for another fifteen. It always feels like I'm being pulled upward when I meditate - not just my spine straightening, but really going up. There was also something touching my jaw and then on my cheek under my eye which got annoying up to the end.

There wasn't any hints as to why she wanted an impromptu 'Beltane Loving Cup' and she was silent throughout, as was Loki - funnily enough, during my bowl holding, I noticed that his candle had gone out. I might take that as him leaving while I basically reenacted what Sigyn has done (or will be doing - their time is different form ours) for him.

That was about it for that ritual anyways, nothing much. Maybe something will happen soon - this might have been part one in a sort of payment installment for asking for her help, I don't know.

I keep getting a warm feeling every time I turn round and look at their altar - almost feels like they're there, smiling at each other and sharing their drinks.

So, that's it for this post. I'll leave you with a new picture of the altar (it looks a lot cozier when the candles are lit and the oil burner is going...not to mention a bowl of wine and a pint of beer):

Since Sigyn has been hovering around, I feel more inclined to not say I'm a only a Lokean, but rather say I'm a Norse Pagan or 'right smack bang within the Rökkatru/Rökkr patheon'. Good times.

Fretting aside, I'm legitimatly looking forward to tonight with Siygn. Even the altar, which was Loki's corner, has become a bit more feminine looking - I gave her an old teddy I had since I was little and sat it amongst my pagan books.
I also found yesterday at college one of those small plastic flowers lying on the floor in the hallway - it was only the flower head, but it looked so out of place I instinctively picked it up and carried on. It's now sitting beside Loki's carnelian stone and Sigyn's rose quartz, at the base of my white candle.

If I had the room I'd make separate altars for any of them who stopped by, but for now it'll do - I don't think they mind too much sharing a space. I even think they rather like it.


Last night I tried some meditation lying down - to help me sleep. It was going pretty well, then cue a massive full body spasm which knocked my concentration and I couldn't get back into my rhythm. I'm used to twitching hands and heads turning suddenly, but this is a first that my entire body jolted.
Must have had a lot of tension that needed booted out, heh.

Ritual and Tarot

I've been going over and over the details for my offering to Sigyn tomorrow...today. It's also a full moon tonight, which is lovely - I'll have to ask out to Kari if he'll move the clouds out so we can see Mani through the window. It's been horrible weather for the past few days.

I've also been wondering where Loki has gone off to; is he just gone for the meantime? Is he waiting till Sigyn has taught me something before moving back in? What if he's really gone for good?

I think even if he's gone off me, I'll still leave offerings and pray; I would say I'm still a keen lover of the trickster even if he's left. I've had no clear indication from him as to if he's gone or not; besides from an absence, that even I can feel in my gut, saying he's not nearby. It makes me sad and tearful to think that he might have up and left...but like I said, he hasn't said he's passing me over to his wife so that could mean he's coming back.

For all I know he could have planned for us to have a 'girly get together' so we could sort out my issues for when he gets back - I have a small ounce of hope saying that is what's going on: Sigyn wants me to learn to have faith in something that looks impossible and to help heal up any wounds I might have reopened by mistake.
Whether it was Loki who asked Siygn for this or if it was Sigyn who insisted she'd be the one for this job, I don't know.

Times like these make me wish I could go to someone who does work with them and ask what's being said - but sadly all we have is normal psychics who do normal readings: no deity speakers, 'horses' or god workers here.

Speaking of readings: I did a tarot reading just now: I asked, in general, about this whole 'Loki leaving, Sigyn stepping up' event, and did it to the three card spread.

Past: King of Cups
Present: The Star
Future: 10 of Cups

And I then asked for Sigyn to give three things I need to do to improve myself (religiously).

1.  3 of Wands
2.  Knight of Swords
3.  The Chariot

Very interesting results....what more can I say.

Ouch..

I was thinking about preparations for giving Sigyn her May Cup this Friday and remembered I had a wax tart of Sweet Violet (I have a feeling they're one of her favorite flowers) in my candle box; which meant getting rid of the left overs of my last tart in my oil burner.

It was still a bit liquid at the top but I thought I'd manage to get it all down to the kitchen without spilling. Forgot to touch wood.

Spilled it all over my hands and found out rather quickly it was still scalding hot. It also went over the faces of my drawers and splashed on some tights in an open drawer below, and a few drops went onto my carpet.

Luckily I seem to be immune to hot wax so my hands are completely fine; blister and lobster coloured free. 

The wax easily lifted off the wood; but I had to pull what wax I could from my carpet with my fingers and found that using a wad of sandpaper-ish looking stuff lifted most of it out, which I didn't expect. (I wouldn't advise anyone to do this to their own carpets, I'm just a reckless idiot) I'll see how it looks after the next time I hoover.

 I also think I got the wax mostly out of my tights by dousing them in a bath of boiling water then adding cool water so the oil  on the the surface solidified.

At least I now know how not to go about cleaning my oil burner next time...and the best way to de-wax clothes. 

I bet Loki found all this quite amusing; it was basically all done as soon as I got the burner clear of his altar top.

Taking through iPods

I had been involved in a discussion last night with another Lokean on how Loki talks to us (silly comments and random ideas that appear out of nowhere seem to be the common lot) and it was mentioned that you could possibly communicative to the gods via the shuffle option on an iPod.
The other Lokean had told me they'd tried this trick, asking if Loki wanted a beer...and got the song 'I Wanna Be An Alcoholic'. Loki got his beer in the end from what I read.

So naturally I wanted a try.
I wrote down my questions as I went and I added lyric links; as I think he was bouncing between the titles and the actual lyrics themselves.

So here are the results of Loki with the iPod (click titles for lyrics):

Me: Okay, Loki. Pick any song.
Him: 'I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked' by Ida Maria (fairly obvious what he was thinking about)
Me: Okay, another.
Him: 'Tomorrow' by Avril Lavigne
Me: Does Sigyn have any requests?
Her: 'Gypsy' by Suzanne Vega (the lyrics are so Loki it's unreal)
Me: Loki, you want to pick a song for her?
Him: 'I Feel Perfect' by Porcelain and The Tramps
Me: *Laughing* Seriously, that's not very romantic.
Him: 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt (no joke, I 'aaawed' at this point)
Me: How do you feel right now?
Him: 'How To Save A Life' by The Fray
Me: Is there anything you want to say?
Him: 'Man! I Feel Like A Woman!' by Shania Twain
Me: *More laughing* This is going online. Is there anything you want  to say to them (reading)?
Him: 'You Need Me' by Ed Sheeran

Loki and Sigyn's request

I spent most of my time at work today having an internal dialogue to Loki.

I feel I have no faith; I believe in Loki but I've yet to come to the point where I can close my eyes and simply fall back into him. Most would say that's a good thing, to always keep my wits about Loki; but it's more the case where something will happen and I find myself thinking 'Was that really him doing that, or me?'

I could blame this on many things; my distrust with the Christian god and how I couldn't understand Christian's blind faith in him sometimes, my one sided struggle with Wicca for five years, my autism? It could just be that because I've been hurt so much in the past by friends, family and bullies that I have a struggle with really putting my full trust into anything.
But I want to learn to trust Loki fully.
I  have seen and received what I believe to be his methods of teaching and I'm thankful that I have; even when at times during them when I would almost shout 'enough' and give up.

I just need to find a way to stop the 'Could be's and 'What if's that creep into my head later.

-

I said to Loki then that I knew I blocked most things out, and if he has been trying to get through to me, I'm sorry and it really is something I need to over come. I really do want to beat this and break through the wall. I think, sometimes, of I had a sign - something very obvious to me that he's been around or is around - then that could very well be the starting point.
I'm not expecting miracles, but a hint would be nice.

-

In the end I kind of got one, I believe.

I'd been doing some work when I got what I could only describe as a 'surge' or 'wave'. Somehow it got translated in my head, and it showed me that Sigyn wanted me to make a 'May Cup' for her.

 I can't describe how weird it felt during that, and after it felt like I had a huge bubble in or around my chest. And there was the real urge to do this for her.

I felt instantly that this wasn't me doing this; I'd been thinking about something else when this suddenly appeared to me so it couldn't have just been my train of thought moving along.

 I thought it over; 'May Cup? Does she mean a Beltane Loving Cup? It's rather the wrong time of the year for that, isn't it?'
In the end, I spoke aloud to her that I'd do it; might take some time with getting the ingredient and what not, but I'd do it for her. I wrote it down on my hand to remember and the bubble around me moved on.

-

So since then I've been online and looking up things for the cup. I regret to say that it might not be the traditional drink of 'May Wine', made with woodruff and German wine, as I can't find the herb anywhere in the shops near me and although I am legal, most places don't accept my ID so I can't buy new wine.

I don't think she'd be too upset if I made something else for the cup; she didn't say it was to be  'May Wine', although that is traditional. I did get a mental image of a picture, from one of my Wiccan books, of a Beltane Loving Cup and I got the feeling that she likes the floating flowers in the cup more than the actual drink itself.

So, I'm planning on making up my own concoction.
I'll use a bottle of dry white wine I already have (I'll sweeten it up for her, as I feel she prefers her wines sweet) and add some sprite to make it bubbly. I'll chill it and add some strawberries when serving. Maybe I'll buy her flowers too, where I might float some flower-heads in her cup and  the rest can go on the altar.

I'll see if Loki would like something too; a beer or some kind of darker wine if he likes. I'm sure I've got a small bottle of whiskey with left that I could leave him; although I think there's only enough left to fill a shot glass or two (one for Odin maybe?)

-

Thinking about it now, it feels very symbolic:
Sigyn held the cup or bowl over her dear heart's face to stop the venom from hurting him...and now she wants me to make us* a cup of wine with flowers as an offering.
(* I think she wants me to have some with her.)

It does, in every way I look at it, feel like a direct request from her - from the 'wave' out of nowhere, that thought and image emerging, and the pressure in my chest.

I like to think she heard my thoughts to Loki (or heard them from Loki) and this is her way of trying to help me to 'fall back' and get over all my fear about my faithfulness and trust.

Maybe some girl time with Loki's loved ones will do me some good, eh?

Acceptance of Lokeans on Pagan Forums? (pt.2)

Was bouncing about the forums again when I came across a post dated from this Septrember.

The topic of the post was basically about a scholar who said that during the act of Loki throwing the mistletoe twig at Balder, it transformed into a spear - and if this was similar to another myth about the attempted mock sacrifice of King Vikar to Odin, where the twig in play also transforms into a deadly spear too.

All fine and dandy, but I noticed the author of the post is pretty famous on the website for stirring up trouble for the Lokeans, and true to form their opening line was:

 " This isn't another "lets argue about Loki" post. (Though if anyone's up for it, Im always game. ...kidding. Sort of.) "

Now really, the topic of the post didn't exactly call for an argument over how evil Loki is, but yet this person had to go and say this to encourage trouble - again.

I think this is a good example for anyone who says that Lokeans are always the ones who start trouble: Yes, in some cases some 'Lokeans' do start it ...but for most of us, we don't.
 Usually we start getting abuse when we try to point out something in a discussion that we don't really agree with. In most cases it's because they have a vendetta against our god so 'we deserve all the abuse they can dish out'.

Thankfully I noticed that participial thread only got one reply, from another member who's parton deity is Lady Hela. And they said:

" Well, if you take the rock hard poly approach, who do you think taught Loki how do that trick? "

It's always nice to see others within the Rökkatru or Rökkr taking the bull by the horns and showing them that Loki isn't the only trickster within Asgard's walls.

Managing Time

I feel that one of my main problems is there isn't seriously enough hours in a day.

For example:

• Today is cleaning day so I have to hoover and dust my bedroom. 
• I also have three power points to be in this following week (two have to be in on Thursday) so I need to get some done today as well. 
• I've been neglecting to do any ritual or meditative work so I need to find space for that.
• I also want some free time to do things I like doing  to unwind (reading, blogging etc)
• It's also Sunday, so I need be to in bed at a reasonably hour for work tomorrow.

It amazes me constantly when I read others blogs or posts how well they can manage all these daily things and still have time left over without breaking a sweat. Maybe when I'm done with college, and hopefully have my own flat, I'll be in a position where I can devote more time to each without distractions.

I've read somewhere that cleaning the home can be turned/seen as a ritual (I suppose, cleansing the sacred space and what not) but I don't know if I can get past the 'oh-god-another-chore' feeling and look at it as something to look forward to just yet.

I have been lighting up the candles on Loki's corner lately but it doesn't feel like anything because I haven't been giving enough effort in my other areas. It feels like he's taken leave from the altar for the mean time until I can muster up something. 

It's funny how earlier this year it was constant dream after dream, and now it's very quiet - probably because I'm focusing so much on college now rather than earlier this year when I was pouring over the Edda's and thinking about them constantly.

Other Lokeans, and I, have all noticed that he does have periods when he's very 'there' and other times where he's flown off  for a while (away planning something big) and come back.

I'm hoping, internally, that he hasn't decided to hand me over to Odin for a little while - if he has then there's nothing I can really do; but after that dream and the way I acted, I've got the feeling that Odin will push me even harder in whatever he's there to teach me about. Eek.

Despite the sad ending, this video reminds me of Sigyn and Loki - no idea why though.

Oh shit

I've just got up from a weird dream (I'm on holiday so I'm having a long lie in, sue me) so I'm getting it down while I still can.

-------------------

There was a friend in the dream; he looked familiar and I could point a finger at who it was out of my group of friends in real life, but because my head's still fuzzy, he could have been made up to fill in the gap.
Either way, this friend and I were going to an old man's house as we'd been round to others where the men and women had been (I think, we weren't shown) hurt or killed, and we felt this guy was next.

 A noticeable point was that the dream kept showing our clothing; my friend was dressed in normal clothes (black shirt and black trousers) but I was in a long red knee length top, brown boots and had reddish hair with a braid hanging on one side.

We get to the house and head over to the fireplace where there's a heap of books. The friend sits in a chair and I start sifting through the books; which are on occult, paganism and the Eddas.

There's a sudden sense of panic as me and my friend looked at each other- we feel something coming. I then spot another book that my friend is actually sitting on, so I pull it out. It's a book on Wotan/Odin and the wild hunt.
Next thing, the door's being kicked off the hinges and there was a storm blowing a gale. In the door way is Odin with his staff, helmet, armor and all his shining glory - the whole deal really -even his aura or presence screamed power. I would have been crapping myself at the sight of him just being there on any other day. But...

On instinct, I ran up to him and stood with my arms spread to stop him from getting to my friend - but Odin was huge and I only came up to his waist. He pushed past and made for my friend, who looked unconscious.
I start speaking softly to Odin (there was no way in hell I was going to should at HIM; coming to get my friend or not, he still had my respect as a god), saying things like "Please, Odin. Not him." "Please, leave him alone." "Odin, you can't have him."as I walked in step with him, arms behind my back, like some adviser, or tugged at his sleeve to get his attention.

Finally, when Odin's standing beside my friend, he looks at me and asks "Why do you care so much?"
"Please Odin, I'll do anything. Just leave him be." Calm as you please for standing up to the big boss.
He smiled and there was a twinkle in his good eye (not a good sign) as he leaned down to look at my face. "What would you do for him?"
I said instantly, truthfully (no way in Hell was I going to lie to him) "I'd die for him."
"You'd do that? Why is that then?"
"I'd do anything for him, just like you would do anything for your Loki." That basically jumped out of my mouth, but it must have got through to him.

Odin stood up and look at my friend.  There was another twinkle in his eye, which meant the debt I was going to owe Odin for my friend's life was either going to be hard going or would test my morals. Or sanity.
Odin vanished and my friend woke up and looked at me, but I ignored him and took his watch hand to see the time (in my other dreams, Odin has left little messages or numbers on watches) and saw a count down from 40 secs on the screen. Instantly I ran into another room while my friend went and got somethings.

The dream went on for a little while longer then I got woken up.

---------------------

That's the first dream I've had where Loki hasn't been nearby in some way; but going by the way I was speaking to Odin, what I was saying, as well as the weird clothes I had on...I wonder if I was meant to be 'playing' Loki in some way. Okay, maybe not fully as I knew I was still me, but possibly a little bit.

I'm also wondering what Odin was going to do to my friend; kill him? He wasn't the one who owned the books.
I think maybe, in a way, it was about my friend (in real life) becoming interested in Norse Paganism and in particular, Odin.  It could be that if my friend does do so, Odin will be rough with him... in a bad way.
 Still, I think if that was the case, Odin's backed off for a little bit after my little act of good friendship. But I'll be asking my friend next time I see him if he's been becoming interested in Norse teachings (might as well ask the others too, just in case).

 I'll have to wait and see if I really did pay off the debt in the dream or if that's what he wants me to do for him here in non-dream land...or if he has something else in mind.

Battery Problems

I charged my iPod up about two days ago, and it had about half a battery left last night; but this morning it was completely empty. Normally it can go up to two weeks without needing any charging at all.

This would have been a cause for concern...if I hadn't realized that I had put my iPod on Loki's altar last night before bed - I had even thought about that kind of thing happening last night, and now look!

The power-loss had been happening for a while; phone, iPods or other things draining rapidly - I thought maybe it was their batteries themselves, losing their charge as they got older, but really it's because I've been putting them on Loki's spot before bed. The bastard's been zapping the power from my stuff!
I can probably say it started when I turned the bedside table into his altar and continued to place my phone, etc, there for the mornings (and out of habit I guess)

That's got me thinking about when I leave him food offerings; does he take the 'energy' or something from them? Would leaving batteries lying on his spot be the same as leaving food? Does he actually get anything from that?
.....Na, more likely he enjoys watching me swearing and getting annoyed when I can't get my things to work.

Better remember not to leave my phone on his side of the bed now, in-case it dies and my alarm doesn't go off for college.

But still - iPod batteries, Loki? Seriously?

More Dreams and Such

I had a flash of a dream I'd had either last night or the night before;

I was with a little girl, who I sensed as my daughter, and I appeared as older and more mature. I was speaking to her, saying words from the Eddas and pronouncing them slowly so she could repeat them back. One of the words I remember was Ragnarok, and I said it so softly, making sure I said each syllable and letter correctly that it almost sounded like I had a northern accent - more so than my normal Scots accent. 'Rhag-nar-ock'. And she smiled up at me; not speaking, just us smiling at each other before I moved on to the next word.

In other news, I bought a cinnamon Yankee candle for Loki's altar, as well as a bracelet of carnelian stones: I was going to originally buy one made from chips beads, but I saw one which had nice, smooth, chunky stones instead. It also feel nicer and has a more reassuring weight on my wrists*. I showered with it on so it got a cleanse, and now feels even lighter. I love it :)

Besides from those two, I actually went out and bought clothes for once. I don't think the family has quiet recovered just yet.

*My wrists are really sensitive, and I hate people or heavy things (like some bracelets or watches) touching them, so I can only wear certain ones which don't irritate the skin so much, like the chip beads probably would have. 

If it does irritate the skin, I either feel really sick, or if someone has touched them to get my attention, I pretty much jerk my whole arm and body away violently - it's a shocking reaction when you first see me do it, then it apparently gets amusing...or so all my mates say.

Just a little personal fun fact about me there.

Hearing things

I've only just woken up properly. A few minutes ago I was dreaming and it came to a part in the dream were my sister and I were looking up a calender, and pointed at the 30th which had been marked as an anniversary (no idea whose, not our parents anyways).

At this point I was almost awake, trying to stay in the dream to see the end when I heard a whistled note beside my bed. I ignored it and it did it again but with a diffident pitch.
I opened my eyes, no one there. I breathed through my nose a few times, to see that it was me. It wasn't.
So now I'm hearing people whistling by my bed - great.

Last week I had heard something as well,  but I didn't type it up.
I was relaxed in bed, trying to drop off when I heard "Mam" (Mum) and lots of little kids giggling. I then heard a man shouting at them for shrieking, which lead to him snarling at them, while they continued to laugh and scream...but I was debating whether that was just me, as it wasn't as prominent as that first word.

I've read before that when we're on the edge of falling asleep or waking up, it is like we're in a relaxed trance like state (or something along those lines) so it's easier to heard, feel or see things - like ghosts, deities, gods.
I don''t know if it was Loki whistling at me, but it feels like something he'd do to get my attention.

It's not just in my sleep though: last night, before bed, I had heard something metallic (like my necklace chain or my charm bracelet) being moved on the altar- just a tinkling sound as it did. I turned round when I heard that, and looked about for something that could have moved them to make the noise.
I got the mental image if Loki sitting on my bed, beside the altar, poking at my/his things, looking completely fascinated. He had shorter hair now, which is quite amusing to me - suits him though.

That's my bit, will try typing other stuff I hear when they happen.

Semi good day

I had a dream last night that my bus driver was being an absolute dick and I had to flag down another bus, who wouldn't tell me how much I was for my fare.

Annnnnd this morning my bus was half an hour late! Normally when I leave my house at 8am, I only have to wait about ten minutes tops for a bus to come up my road. It also means I usually arrive in the town about 8:30am and I can walk into college, buy my breakfast and be outside my class by 8:45am or near enough. I only just managed to get into my class on time.

The best bit is though, that there is this one driver (let's call him Mr Baldy) who I can't stand. He won't give me my single fare into town, he only lets me buy returns or All Day tickets (I'm serious, he wouldn't give me a single no matter what).
Here's how our morning conversations go:

Me: £1.40 to Guild Street please.
Him: *takes my money* Are you a student.
Me: Yes.
Him: *holds hand out* Student Card.
Me: I don't have one yet.
Him: *glare* £1.40. Are you at college?
Me: I am, yes.
Him: Hmm. St. Paul's Street - £1.90.
Me: I don't want to go to St. Paul's Street - I want off at Guild Street!
Him: Fine. You'd better buying a return.
Me: No thanks, just the single.
Him: No, it's cheaper.
Me: No it's not, I just want the single.

But this time I am fuming mad, there's a huge queue behind me, I am running late because of him and I just want a single bloody ticket to Guild Street - I don't want a return fare for £3.60 or to go another street! Just give me what I asked and get me there! And he only does it to me! No one else! They can get their tickets and be in their seats within fifteenth seconds, I have to battle and negotiate before I can get mine. And no, he's not trying to be helpful; he's just trying to waste my time and get more money off me, and becomes more unco-operative the more I don't do what he says and buy the more expensive (and in my case useless) All Day ticket.

Thankfully there's other drivers who are much nicer and give you the right fare, no backchat, with smile. They are the ones who really deserve the 'Thank you!' when you jump off at your stop. I only say it to Mr Baldy because I'm polite. The arsehole.

On the plus side, when I went book hunting I found all three books that I wanted on offer (pick and match, 3 for 2)! Horray!

Downside, my sister just crushed my dream of taking a parapsychology coarse by being an utter kill joy over how I'd never get a job. Even though I'd get a Ph.D out of it and could do other medical or psychological topics after.
Really though, I have less chance of getting a job as a photographer if I stick with this photography coarse: you'd be more likely to get a good job with a degree in a medical/science rather than with a HND in photography, surely?

Not get a good job...who'd want to hire someone with a degree in ghost hunting....Just look at Dr. Ciaran O'Keeffe, my dear sister. I'm sure his woe over having an unusual degree is softened by the sound of fame and money in his pocket. Just sayin'.

Whoops

I was leaving to go to Mum's youth group on Monday night when I noticed that the wax from my burner had some how spilt onto the cloth and mostly over Loki's picture.
It could have been when I was blowing out the candle, the night before that, and I must have blown the melted wax over the rim, but there is no way that it could have reached that high on his picture. Maybe he doesn't like it, maybe it was something else. Or it really was just me, but I would have noticed it splashing out. I dunno.
Luckily, the glass plate the cloth is wrapped about is equal-sided so I just turned it around so it hid the marks left over. I managed to have to scrap the wax off of the glass and frame of his picture later that night. I guess if it really was him and he really didn't like it, I'll probably know it soon enough (I wouldn't put it past him knocking it off the table or hiding it if it offends him that much).

Bed-time jitters?

Was just reading a post on another blog, where they were talking about feeling their god when they touched them, and another on actually seeing them.

I had sat back for a sec, just thinking about what I read, when I then got this huge lurching feeling in my back.

Keeping in mind that I was sitting upright, it felt like something was pushing inwards, and my throat started gagging because of it, which was then making me feel sick to top it off.
It pulled back and did it again a few more times before it stopped.

It wasn't just one spot on my back; it pushing on my entire back, plus my neck and head, all at once.
It then stopped and I sat still for a minute or two going 'WTF was that?' before typing this up - dunno, just felt like I had to get it down, it was just weird.

And as I'm typing this, I've got this blocked humming sound in my left ear too.

I'm off to sleep now - fuck me, I've had a weird day.

Update - 11/9/11
I still wasn't feeling all that safe when I was in bed, so I ended up drawing Algiz on my forehead and above my bed for protection and assistance. Slept like a baby after that.

Loki's Altar 2

I lit up the candles for the first time on his new 'corner', and left him the other half of the cookie I had for lunch.

Apparently I didn't have to worry about the orange cloth as the red glass on the candle holders really cast a glow everywhere.

Here's some pictures anyways (click for a better view):

Hopefully when I finally get my own place, I can give him more space for his altar, but till then...

Loki's Altar

I was writing up some tarot card meanings into my little book earlier this evening when Loki invaded my head space.

"...A cloth would brighten up the altar..."

I had been thinking about doing up Loki's altar for a while but never got round to doing it; but I was up and scrounging about for something nice as soon as he'd finished.

My Mum keeps rolls of satin-y fabrics, which she uses for making things - like skirts, when her youth group need some for their yearly show, or when my sister and I had to make things for our Art projects.
So I had a rummage. I had been hoping for some red, but all I found that was close second was a dark orange colour. It'd have to do, beggars can't be choosers.

So I got the cloth settled onto the altar (I found that rather then having the edges dangling and getting caught, I could wrap the cloth around and under the glass surface top - present wrapping skills do come in handy) but it was still lacking something.
Then I hear Loki again.

"...Go find a picture of me and put it behind the candles..."

Onto the internet I go for a while, and I chose this image of Loki by Arthur Rackham, which I've printed, laminated and framed.

The reason I chose that illustration by Rackham is it's a long joke between me, my friends, and Loki:
In our Art class a few years back (I'd only just come into being interested in Loki then), part of our coarse work was to write an essay about two different artists and to analyse one of their works each.
I was being a rebel and chose Figurative as one of my mediums (most people choose either still life or fantasy and imagination, so I was a first in a long time to choose that).
I was given a list where I could choose my two figure artists from, about a hundred or so names.
Randomly, I picked Rackham, and started looking for a picture...and the first one that pops up is that one of Loki.
Cue friends laughing and saying that Loki must have caused that to happen, out of all the other artists to pick on the list it had to be that guy, and how I've not much choice but to write about that picture. And I did! A full extra 500 words on his picture alone (I was told later to cut it down to a sensible length, damn). So yeah, I've got fond memories with that illustration.

Anyways, along with Loki's picture, I printed off a picture of Yggdrasil which is now above my bed, and a list of runes and their meanings to keep in my folder of useful things.

It's still not as good or pretty as some altars I've seen (no room for sheep skulls, flowers or hundreds of crystals and candles) but it's getting there; the orange is so eye catching though, which I feel is what Loki likes the most about it - it can't be ignored! >:D

True, true

"Loki is indeed not your “average” trickster. In many ways, Odin himself is more like the traditional trickster than Loki is. Odin changes shape, deceives, lies, and tricks people far more often than Loki. Loki is more the sneaky, clever god of randomness than a true trickster. Odin teaches with lessons and challenges. Loki teaches with a swift kick to the groin." 

- Hound of Odin (via fornsed)

 I'll just leave this here :)

Acceptance of Lokeans on Pagan Forums? (not any time soon)

For the better half of seven years since I was introduced to runes, I've never memorised them. Then yesterday I spent the better half of the day copying every rune I could find into my little notebook and writing down meanings, uses and which deities they're associated with.
I hadn't planned on doing that for about three hours, I just came home and found myself grabbing a clean notebook and started writing.


In other news, on one of the pagan forums, there had been a discussion over an acclaimed heathen author and his newest book - the reason for the post was due to his controversial writings of the gods.
Anyways, the other heathens on the site were kicking up a fuss as he had written that Loki was an unsung hero, among other things.

What got me was when one of the senior staff members, who was heathen, really began to rip Loki's name to shreds (bearing in mind that this pagan site had many members of other religions, including Lokeans).
It made me pretty upset, and rather mad, that he would say that the author was an idiot to say Loki was good; he posted that Loki has no good about him at all, is a villain, the disgrace of the whole religion etc.
Now I think that most Lokeans are used to stuff like this, but as I said, this site had hundred of members including Lokeans. If that post had been about an author writing about Wicca, or Flamekeeping, or Kemetic, they would have been a bit more cautious in what they were saying. Even if it was about Kali, they might have watched what they said in case they offend ones who devote themselves to her.
It just seems unfair that although more of people are turning to Loki, he and we are still baring the brunt of the heathens and asatrus wrath.

It just feels unfair and a bit discriminative that while they welcome those who worship other destructive deities, and we're still getting metaphorically lurched where ever we turn.

I would have, if I had been anyone else, written an reply to his post. But I didn't. Contrary to most beliefs, this Lokean doesn't like kicking up a fuss or causing arguments. What would I have said anyway? "Hi there, that comment offended me. Please stop."? Even if he was part of the staff, I'd doubt he'd bottle up his rage about Loki just for me and the others. He probably would have called us out on the subject - "Yes Loki is a distructive god, yes he causes a bit of trouble, yes he causes Ragnarok, but he has got some good about him!" The people on the thread would have laughed in our faces and called us naive and posted more stuff up about him.

This isn't the first time the heathens there have started thread topics to really have at it about Loki. And Lokeans trying to have their say is part of the fun for them to really start getting rude and aggressive. So when the Lokeans start fighting back, the heathen then say "Oh, typical Lokeans, starting trouble."
I should really stop joining pagan sites, those posts just get me all riled up and upset. I spend more effort online being the absolute definition of niceness and politeness to try and do my bit in stopping the 'evil lokean' belief and not getting into online arguments where they could turn on us.

If they can accept Satanists and followers of Kali or other destructive gods, or even death deities like Hela, then why can't they get a grip and accept us? I really don't get the heathens and asatrus sometimes.

Soooo, my first day at college

The buses decided to run on time today, resulting in me getting into town much earlier than I expected, but that gave me time to daudle around W.H.Smith and look at their books. I'm surprised at the number of books that I've had trouble finding in Waterstones; I'll vow that I'll check WHS first next time. I didn't have enough money for a book in the end, so I just got my lunch and headed to the college.

Most people scoff when they hear people say how much they think about gods or worship during their normal day to day lives; I was one of those people untill I realised that I'm basically thinking over Norse tales and about Loki or the others constantly. I spent the entire walk to the college eating the fruit salad I had bought and thinking about Idunna's golden apples as I munched on mine: what would Idunna's taste like? Would you feel the magick in them as you ate them? Would she like some apples left somewhere in offering? I don't worship her really, but I think she'd like them anyways.

I had hoped that I'd run into some people I knew for the inductions, and I spotted a familiar back and head of hair outside the doors, so I did the usual thing and ran up to them and kicked their bag (after, you know, checking that I was really them and not some random...cause that would be really awkward). So we chatted about school, results, how the group is being really bitchy lately, then we headed inside and went to our separate departments for our inductions. 

Two hours later - after a tour, discussing topics, looking at timetables - I headed into the town.

...Okay not true, I hung about for about half an hour, as I didn't know if it was just a break for lunch or if that was it. I gave up in the end THEN I went into town for a browse.

I headed into the local Pagan shop for a look; I hadn't thought about buying anything (I didn't have much) but I spotted a chunk of carnelian and a spiral metal pendant for holding rocks. I thought about that necklace that I dreamed about and decided, yes, I will buy and somehow make that for Loki.

And I did, and am wearing it now. It's a bit bland and doesn't have the beads like in the dream (I might add them on if I get some) but I really like it.

 I had been thinking for a while that my Mjölnir pendant wouldn't properly show that I belong to Loki, even thought I had bought one with a red gem, just for him. Thor's Hammer is considered a universal symbol for those of Norse Pagan beliefs, but people would assume that my god is Thor, and I wanted to find something that would be directly linked to him. 

I've always linked carnelian stones to Loki (no idea why) and I've decorated his alter in them; at the shop, I didn't look at all the stones on offer, I just immediately zoned in on them out of all the others.

Update:

After typing that last paragraph, I decided I would try and see if carnelian is linked to him or why I would think that (I do have a crystal handbook, but I couldn't even recite one of the stones out of it so i doubt it's something I read in there. I did check anyways, and it didn't say much).

I found this site which goes into detail about the properties of carnelian and it's said to help public speaking, give courage, linked to the root chakra, gives optimism and helps relieve stress, among other things. (I read it through going 'shiiiit, no wonder I got the Loki vibe off of it.')

I can't be far off the mark, as some other Lokeans, or those who worship within the Rökkr, have used carnelian in their ritual or dedication jewelry too. Could just be because they like the orange colour, which would suit them, or they feel the same as me. Either way, if more than one person is doing the same, then you must be doing something right.

Just a note

So, in a few hours I'll be starting my first day at college!
I'm feeling a little bit nervous (only natural) and I've been chanting in my head all this morning, "Please, Loki, let me have a good day. Let me have a good day."
I think the biggest difference will be the fact that I will not be with friends there and I'll have to try and make new ones.
Although, said friends haven't really been talkative lately since I quit their project. No words to me at all.

 I even sent out an email on Monday, asking (on my last day of freedom, Wednesday) if anyone wanted to hang out, get a coffee - and no one replied.
 I know they could have been busy, but I'm getting the feeling that because I had the guts to say that I wasn't going to waste my precious time and money on this mini-film; while the rest of the gang hung their heads and resigned themselves to their fate of being roped in without really having a choice in the matter.
I feel like I'm being shunned for however long they see fit to keep me at a distance because of all that, and I've been getting the feeling that Loki's dancing about going: "See! Told you, told you! I said this would happen ages ago, and you saw only one aspect of that particular lesson then - now, this is another aspect of that same lesson, my dear. I warned you they would do this and now you can see it for yourself, no rose tinted glasses."

I might do another post later, after college.
Till then, hail Loki and let this be a really good day :)

Necklace Idea?

I had another dream last night:

I was dreaming that I was trying to get to work but I kept going over to a shop window to look inside. It was a full of dream catchers of every varitity so I went on my way, only to walk back to the window a few minutes later.

This time, on the display, it showed possible alter items. My eye caught that of a orange glazed fire bowl and some small gold statues of Loki - either smiling with his hand on his hip, ones with him and Fenrir, or when he was disguised as 'Freyja's maid when him and Thor went to retrieve his hammer. 

 I made a mental note to get those items for my alter and I went inside . 

As I wandered inside, I looked up and hanging from hooks were necklaces of all colours, when I spotted the following one.

It was decorated with chipped crystals as beads (in red, orange, gold) , which started about half way round the chain and stopped at the front, leaving a gap. From that gap, on a smaller bit of chain, hung a rounded, red stone encased in some silver so it didn't fall out. Carved into the stone with silver paint was an image of Sleipnir.

I immediately reached up and tried to free the necklace from the hook, but it was too high. One of the workers of the shop used a pole and brought it down and I put it on. I didn't have to pay for it as I left, and no one said otherwise.

Since then, I've been on the internet, trying to see if I've seen something like it before or what, but as far as I know the necklace I dreamed about hasn't been made.

It would have been a combination of the following pictures. Who knows, I might plan to make something similar if I can find the material in town. I'll have to see.

Introduced to Njord

Mum and Dad went out yesterday, so I finally had the time to go for a walk around the neighborhood and to buy some snacks. It was pretty misty and damp, but funnily enough I was really happy about the weather. Sun and heat is all nice, but it feels like nothings happening. When it's raining or there's mist, it's a visible sign that nature is doing something; rain feels like all the bad energy is being washed away, and mist just screams to me that something is happening that needs to be hidden - like something out of a Victoria crime novel, with the black capes swirling in the London smog as a murder is committed.

I spent most of the walk thinking about Loki (nothing new, just musing away over things) and I reached the shop to get a bottle of Pepsi. As I was paying for the Pepsi, I just reached out and added bar of chocolate to my buys - no reason for it at all, and when I stepped outside I was shaking my head over why I did that. I don't even enjoy chocolate that much. 

Then I got that feeling in the back of my head, saying 'Give some to me when you get home'. I'm guessing it was Loki. But I did as I was told and gave him a line of chocolate on the altar.

And I got a dream visit last night in return! 

The first part of my dream was about me trying to find and readopt a dog (one I had in another dream) but when we did find him he bite me right through the cheek. 

But then, just like that, I was suddenly in a hall filled with plush cushioned sofas, a huge fireplace, skin rugs and a long table with chalices and plates all set out. The walls were semi transparent, and it showed me that it was on a beach, right next to the waterfront. It was not cold, so the walls were keeping the heat in, and if you didn't look too closely, it did look like the walls were solid. It had an warm glow about the place and all was so calm. 

I then saw Freyja (who was sprouting brown hair this time) lying on one of the sofas. Thor then appeared and was trying to place bracelets about her wrists. They were both laughing and giggling, trying to catch and run away from each other. Odin, who was standing, facing the fireplace softly scolded them, which Freyja called him boring with a smile, and Odin rolled his eyes and smiled back.

I was either looking through Loki's eye or he was near by were I couldn't see him, but I though Thor was acting rather out of character, so something has been niggling in my head, saying that Loki might have been shift shaping as him.

I then walked through the walls and found myself on the waterfront and the hall had vanished (but if I took a few sets back I would have been back into the hall, so I guess the hall was invisible from the outside)

There were other gods on the beach, looking out to the sea, which again, had an unearthly glow and was all white, greys and pale. It was round about sunset, after the sun had dipped over the horizon, but the sky was a grey/white, not dark or sunset colours like I expected it would have been.

I stepped up to the water and it surged powerfully at my feet, more so than a normal wave, and no matter how far back I jumped it still crawled forward. It didn't surge to the other gods littering about on the water front or behind us on the sand, just me.

I called out to the god of the sea (at first I was about to call out Kari's name, then I remembered it was Njord who is the god of the sea) and it resided back into normal waves and was calm again.

I then woke up and it's been raining with a mist all day. I don't know if Njord can control rain and mist, but it feels like it's him for some reason. So I can now add Njord to the gods/goddesses Loki's taken me to see.

Getting a kick up the ass from Loki

Okay, a few days after an incident with 'Dr-Leer-Down-Your-Top', I was in the office and I decided I had to talk with Loki about the problem. This is roughly how Loki's side of the conversation went:

(Loki, looking a bit pissed, arms crossed, while pacing around me) 

"You shouldn't have ducked your head when you caught him. Now he thinks he can get away with it. It's basic mammal instinct, especially with wolves, remember?*  He probably thinks, as well, because of that, that you're a blushing virgin who like his attention. Don't you shake your head, you know I'm right.

He thinks you're one of those virgins in the movies that blushes over anything remotely sexual...or when they do get them in bed, they have no clue at all about what sex is and go - " 

(He started dramatically throwing his head back, musing up his hair and rubbing his hands up and down his sides, speaking in a higher pitched voice) 

" "Ooooh, I don't know what's going on! I don't know what's happening to my body - Oooh!" " 

(He stopped right then and dropped his arms to his side, looking at me with such a dead straight face that I nearly started laughing right there in the office)

"So sweetheart, now you'll have to show him that it's not on. Raise your head, prove that you have more pride in yourself than that!

He probably thinks that because he's a doctor that he's allowed to look at you that way, or just because he's got a higher work position. 

Avoid situations like the corridor where he can get the result he wants, or maybe try wear a higher neck jumper next time to avoid giving him easy opportunities where he can snag a peek. Body language is key now. Show him who's in charge!" (smiling now) "Oh yeah, I want two digestive biscuits when you get home, okay?"

So that was me being told off by Loki.

Yesterday I saw 'Dr-Leer' again, but this time I didn't feel intimidated by him anymore - granted that I still kept my distance, but I just ignored him and didn't let myself worry about his presence. I felt a hundred times better with the situation now.

*  In wolf body language, a male wolf will lower his head or bares his neck to a wolf which is bigger/stronger or more superior in the pack than himself


Update:
All this happened on Wednesday 17th, and I gave Loki the biscuits then on the same day. I, just a few minutes ago, disposed of them by putting them outside my window, onto the roof, so they could be eaten by birds or whatever - circle of life and what not.
The first thing to attempt to reach them? A raven, like Odin's Muninn and Huginn. A hint that my offering was liked, maybe?

Donor

I finally got round to doing something that's been niggling at me to do for a while: I've registered as an Organ Donor, so my tissues and organs can help others after I die.

After my little scare yesterday, I was a bit apprehensive about doing anything so sudden and as big as this, but like I said, something was constantly niggling. And I don't think it's Loki this time round.
I don't think it's another god trying to stake claim (Loki would go ape-shit) but more of 'Hi there, do this for us please. Okay, thanks. Bye!' and now it's gone so it must have only been sticking around for that.

It could be seen - if you squint - as a promise or offering to those I work with; I mean, some people make blood oaths to their gods, some offer up their bodies only while they are alive and worshiping, and some like me donate their bodies to save lives afterwards.

I feel...happy now; my body is going to good use , and it makes me want to take care of it more for those who might get a part of me later.
I don't smoke, I don't take drugs and I rarely drink (I like pepsi better than alcohol, even when I'm in a pub) - it's like I was made for this. It's given me a better outlook over what happened yesterday - like they've shown me that I can be useful or I can do good things.

I feel now that now I am going to be very important to someone in the future. And I am, in a way.


Update:
Okay, this just came to me as I was finishing up and it sounds like it's from Loki, so I'll just type what's being said (I'm testing this "shamanic 'world walker' " claim from himself and Surt last night) :

"...You're going to be recycled..."

(He gets that it'll help people, but he doesn't like the thought of me being split apart, a piece being given to different people, and than scattered across the country.)

"...Exactly; someone random I don't like is going to get your eye. Or your liver. I don't like that, it feels wrong...."
(There was a hint of a 'You're mine' undertone on that last bit although he didn't say it aloud, but it was there.)

Bless his cotton socks; the trickster's getting all sentimental about my body parts.

The 'G' Word

Right; this morning, right before I woke up, Loki (and I think Surt) were speaking over me.

All I could remember was a funny word beginning with 'G' and the phrase 'works/walks between worlds'.

I'd been trying to figure out what that 'G' word was in my head all of today and when I came home I tried to look it up.

Now I knew of the word 'Gythia', but I thought 'Nah! I'm young, I'm not that experienced at all and I don't have the same kind of connection like the other priestesses I've heard about - they can at least talk to Loki directly.'
But I checked anyways, and the other word for priestess is 'Gothia' - but it still didn't sound right.
But then I found the original way to write 'Gothia' is 'Gyðja' ('Gydja') .... and it's pronounced as 'give-e-ya'.

Now THAT is what I heard them say.

And the phrase 'works/walks between worlds'? I check out the 'works' version (as it was one of those two words) and nothing really turned up. I tried the 'walks' and one of the hits is to Raven Kaldera's website, and uses a phrase almost similar to the one I heard.

The way it was said thought, between Loki and Surt, it sounded as if they were using that phrase as a translation; as to what they felt priestess-hood meant. And it was being said to me as I woke up.

A small part of me is happy about this - the more rational part is screaming 'No, no, NO!"
To me, there's no way I could possibly be that; I can't even speak to them directly like some can and I can't 'walk between worlds' or anything remotely shamanic. Sure, I feel a connection to them, and my characteristics and personality is very similar to what I know of fire Jotuns, and I do know things about them that I've never read before - but that is all and it's really pathetic compared to what others can do with less energy.
Right now, I really don't feel fit enough to be a Gydja or Glythia.

If the reason behind Loki and Surt getting together is for me to learn to 'walk' and go to the fire Jotuns for some lessons, I'll try, I really will. But right now, I feel rather helpless than that of a priestess.

Unless that's Loki's grand plan ...to train me up (I say Loki because that is something he would do and would have been planning from the get go when we first met. Surt might of said something, but Loki is more likely).

Fucks sake, Loki! I thought I was getting a break for college!

Ready to Go

It's nearly 11pm, and Mum and Dad are still out.
So I've slipped into my comfy clothes and am going to do some candle and meditative worship before bed.
We'll see how this goes and if anything comes in my dreams tonight.

Update (28/07/11) : Nope, nothing happened that night. But two nights later I gave Loki some 'Milky Way Stars' and had a massive heart to heart about some issues. I received some very  interesting dreams about digging up a boy who had just been buried in some red clay type mud...and he was still alive with his hand sticking out of the ground. And I had to dig him out before he died with a hand trowel . Nice.

Personas In Teaching?

I read was reading an old forum about Loki: They had been describing how Loki acts around them. Some said he's very nice and cuddly, some he comes and goes leaving a bread crumb trail of tricks and mischief in their lives but is very lovable, and some said he's loyal and understanding.
Of coarse there then came the comments from the Heathens and other Pagans - "Loki is a god of chaos, he's not nice or friendly." "He's pure evil, how can he be lovely?!" etc, etc.

All that crap aside, it did make me wonder how Lokeans did have different stories of how he treats them.

I think (maybe) Loki appears to people as the figures they need most during the time he comes to them; as a protector, as a friend, as a trickster, as someone who will keep pushing and pushing them mercilessness to their limit till he's broken them down completely and built them up again. One of those persona's of Loki was the one they needed most - as if he studies them first, to find out the best way to get a reaction and the result he wants before acting. 

This is why, I believe, we heard so many different accounts of his behavior toward different Lokeans; it's not because they misunderstand him, it's just how he appears to each of us as individuals.

To me, Loki's taken a father-ish/teacher role. He's not cruel but more persistent, as that is the best method for me to learn - Keep showing me till I understand rather than scream it in my face and scare me off. 

He's a bit gentler in his methods and he takes a back seat, only steering me once in a while. 

No doubt he'll change once I'm older, but since he'll have known me for a good while by then, he might not have to resort to hard methods to continue to teach me.

Just my penny's worth.

Trying To Create Balance

A few days ago, it was decided that Leo (my 14 week old rabbit), was going to be moved from the study into my room - we're planning on getting him a larger cage and my dressing table is the only free surface big enough for it to go.

But my dressing table was actually my alter space with all my candles, incense etc. I had no choice but to move all my gear somewhere else. It had to be in an open space (I couldn't bear the thought of hiding my tools in a cupboard), it had to be easy to reach (so the shelves were out) and it had to be big enough at least to hold the very basics.
But there was no room, at all.
I must have stood for a good half hour, turning around, looking to see where I could move-this-to-create-space-there. A bit of reorganization later and I had converted my beside table into a ... shrine, I guess. It's not the best and it doesn't compare to my old alter - which I had received nice comments about when I posted a photo online a few years back - but it would have to make do.
I said a message to Loki (as it is basically his shrine) that if he sees room for improvement or would like something added, to give me a hint.
So far: flowers would be nice, some image of himself (statue, picture or symbol) and maybe a cloth.

As for the 'Quiet Worship Time' I had planned to do to help get myself back into daily worship, I think most of the meditations were designed for those who live alone or have the time in the day to sit down and have peace and quiet for a few hours.
Apparently, these meditations don't really work when you still live at home with your parents and older sister (Which also means my plan to live as stress free as possible is buggered. No one is stress free when they still live at home, you nearly murder each other every week.). It's a struggle to concentrate.

The only time I can focus is at night, about twelve or one in the morning when everyone is asleep; I even tried last night, but the problem was that Leo was still moving about. I tried using meditation podcasts and music on my iPod to tune everything out....but it was 1am, I was shattered, and I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. And I can't do it during the day as I work full time during the summer holidays.

I'm struggling a bit with how much time I can really give and I can only give very brief rituals or very meager offerings to Loki of sweets and energy drinks (which I'm lucky that he likes)