I finally got round to doing something that's been niggling at me to do for a while: I've registered as an Organ Donor, so my tissues and organs can help others after I die.
After my little scare yesterday, I was a bit apprehensive about doing anything so sudden and as big as this, but like I said, something was constantly niggling. And I don't think it's Loki this time round.
I don't think it's another god trying to stake claim (Loki would go ape-shit) but more of 'Hi there, do this for us please. Okay, thanks. Bye!' and now it's gone so it must have only been sticking around for that.
It could be seen - if you squint - as a promise or offering to those I work with; I mean, some people make blood oaths to their gods, some offer up their bodies only while they are alive and worshiping, and some like me donate their bodies to save lives afterwards.
I feel...happy now; my body is going to good use , and it makes me want to take care of it more for those who might get a part of me later.
I don't smoke, I don't take drugs and I rarely drink (I like pepsi better than alcohol, even when I'm in a pub) - it's like I was made for this. It's given me a better outlook over what happened yesterday - like they've shown me that I can be useful or I can do good things.
I feel now that now I am going to be very important to someone in the future. And I am, in a way.
Update:
Okay, this just came to me as I was finishing up and it sounds like it's from Loki, so I'll just type what's being said (I'm testing this "shamanic 'world walker' " claim from himself and Surt last night) :
"...You're going to be recycled..."
(He gets that it'll help people, but he doesn't like the thought of me being split apart, a piece being given to different people, and than scattered across the country.)
"...Exactly; someone random I don't like is going to get your eye. Or your liver. I don't like that, it feels wrong...."
(There was a hint of a 'You're mine' undertone on that last bit although he didn't say it aloud, but it was there.)
Bless his cotton socks; the trickster's getting all sentimental about my body parts.
28 Jul 2011
27 Jul 2011
The 'G' Word
Right; this morning, right before I woke up, Loki (and I think Surt) were speaking over me.
All I could remember was a funny word beginning with 'G' and the phrase 'works/walks between worlds'.
I'd been trying to figure out what that 'G' word was in my head all of today and when I came home I tried to look it up.
Now I knew of the word 'Gythia', but I thought 'Nah! I'm young, I'm not that experienced at all and I don't have the same kind of connection like the other priestesses I've heard about - they can at least talk to Loki directly.'
But I checked anyways, and the other word for priestess is 'Gothia' - but it still didn't sound right.
But then I found the original way to write 'Gothia' is 'Gyðja' ('Gydja') .... and it's pronounced as 'give-e-ya'.
Now THAT is what I heard them say.
And the phrase 'works/walks between worlds'? I check out the 'works' version (as it was one of those two words) and nothing really turned up. I tried the 'walks' and one of the hits is to Raven Kaldera's website, and uses a phrase almost similar to the one I heard.
The way it was said thought, between Loki and Surt, it sounded as if they were using that phrase as a translation; as to what they felt priestess-hood meant. And it was being said to me as I woke up.
A small part of me is happy about this - the more rational part is screaming 'No, no, NO!"
To me, there's no way I could possibly be that; I can't even speak to them directly like some can and I can't 'walk between worlds' or anything remotely shamanic. Sure, I feel a connection to them, and my characteristics and personality is very similar to what I know of fire Jotuns, and I do know things about them that I've never read before - but that is all and it's really pathetic compared to what others can do with less energy.
Right now, I really don't feel fit enough to be a Gydja or Glythia.
If the reason behind Loki and Surt getting together is for me to learn to 'walk' and go to the fire Jotuns for some lessons, I'll try, I really will. But right now, I feel rather helpless than that of a priestess.
Unless that's Loki's grand plan ...to train me up (I say Loki because that is something he would do and would have been planning from the get go when we first met. Surt might of said something, but Loki is more likely).
Fucks sake, Loki! I thought I was getting a break for college!
All I could remember was a funny word beginning with 'G' and the phrase 'works/walks between worlds'.
I'd been trying to figure out what that 'G' word was in my head all of today and when I came home I tried to look it up.
Now I knew of the word 'Gythia', but I thought 'Nah! I'm young, I'm not that experienced at all and I don't have the same kind of connection like the other priestesses I've heard about - they can at least talk to Loki directly.'
But I checked anyways, and the other word for priestess is 'Gothia' - but it still didn't sound right.
But then I found the original way to write 'Gothia' is 'Gyðja' ('Gydja') .... and it's pronounced as 'give-e-ya'.
Now THAT is what I heard them say.
And the phrase 'works/walks between worlds'? I check out the 'works' version (as it was one of those two words) and nothing really turned up. I tried the 'walks' and one of the hits is to Raven Kaldera's website, and uses a phrase almost similar to the one I heard.
The way it was said thought, between Loki and Surt, it sounded as if they were using that phrase as a translation; as to what they felt priestess-hood meant. And it was being said to me as I woke up.
A small part of me is happy about this - the more rational part is screaming 'No, no, NO!"
To me, there's no way I could possibly be that; I can't even speak to them directly like some can and I can't 'walk between worlds' or anything remotely shamanic. Sure, I feel a connection to them, and my characteristics and personality is very similar to what I know of fire Jotuns, and I do know things about them that I've never read before - but that is all and it's really pathetic compared to what others can do with less energy.
Right now, I really don't feel fit enough to be a Gydja or Glythia.
If the reason behind Loki and Surt getting together is for me to learn to 'walk' and go to the fire Jotuns for some lessons, I'll try, I really will. But right now, I feel rather helpless than that of a priestess.
Unless that's Loki's grand plan ...to train me up (I say Loki because that is something he would do and would have been planning from the get go when we first met. Surt might of said something, but Loki is more likely).
Fucks sake, Loki! I thought I was getting a break for college!
24 Jul 2011
Ready to Go
It's nearly 11pm, and Mum and Dad are still out.
So I've slipped into my comfy clothes and am going to do some candle and meditative worship before bed.
We'll see how this goes and if anything comes in my dreams tonight.
Update (28/07/11) : Nope, nothing happened that night. But two nights later I gave Loki some 'Milky Way Stars' and had a massive heart to heart about some issues. I received some very interesting dreams about digging up a boy who had just been buried in some red clay type mud...and he was still alive with his hand sticking out of the ground. And I had to dig him out before he died with a hand trowel . Nice.
So I've slipped into my comfy clothes and am going to do some candle and meditative worship before bed.
We'll see how this goes and if anything comes in my dreams tonight.
Update (28/07/11) : Nope, nothing happened that night. But two nights later I gave Loki some 'Milky Way Stars' and had a massive heart to heart about some issues. I received some very interesting dreams about digging up a boy who had just been buried in some red clay type mud...and he was still alive with his hand sticking out of the ground. And I had to dig him out before he died with a hand trowel . Nice.
Personas In Teaching?
I read was reading an old forum about Loki: They had been describing how Loki acts around them. Some said he's very nice and cuddly, some he comes and goes leaving a bread crumb trail of tricks and mischief in their lives but is very lovable, and some said he's loyal and understanding.
Of coarse there then came the comments from the Heathens and other Pagans - "Loki is a god of chaos, he's not nice or friendly." "He's pure evil, how can he be lovely?!" etc, etc.
All that crap aside, it did make me wonder how Lokeans did have different stories of how he treats them.
No doubt he'll change once I'm older, but since he'll have known me for a good while by then, he might not have to resort to hard methods to continue to teach me.
Of coarse there then came the comments from the Heathens and other Pagans - "Loki is a god of chaos, he's not nice or friendly." "He's pure evil, how can he be lovely?!" etc, etc.
All that crap aside, it did make me wonder how Lokeans did have different stories of how he treats them.
I think (maybe) Loki appears to people as the figures they need most during the time he comes to them; as a protector, as a friend, as a trickster, as someone who will keep pushing and pushing them mercilessness to their limit till he's broken them down completely and built them up again. One of those persona's of Loki was the one they needed most - as if he studies them first, to find out the best way to get a reaction and the result he wants before acting.
This is why, I believe, we heard so many different accounts of his behavior toward different Lokeans; it's not because they misunderstand him, it's just how he appears to each of us as individuals.
To me, Loki's taken a father-ish/teacher role. He's not cruel but more persistent, as that is the best method for me to learn - Keep showing me till I understand rather than scream it in my face and scare me off.
He's a bit gentler in his methods and he takes a back seat, only steering me once in a while.
No doubt he'll change once I'm older, but since he'll have known me for a good while by then, he might not have to resort to hard methods to continue to teach me.
Just my penny's worth.
Trying To Create Balance
A few days ago, it was decided that Leo (my 14 week old rabbit), was going to be moved from the study into my room - we're planning on getting him a larger cage and my dressing table is the only free surface big enough for it to go.
But my dressing table was actually my alter space with all my candles, incense etc. I had no choice but to move all my gear somewhere else. It had to be in an open space (I couldn't bear the thought of hiding my tools in a cupboard), it had to be easy to reach (so the shelves were out) and it had to be big enough at least to hold the very basics.
But there was no room, at all.
I must have stood for a good half hour, turning around, looking to see where I could move-this-to-create-space-there. A bit of reorganization later and I had converted my beside table into a ... shrine, I guess. It's not the best and it doesn't compare to my old alter - which I had received nice comments about when I posted a photo online a few years back - but it would have to make do.
I said a message to Loki (as it is basically his shrine) that if he sees room for improvement or would like something added, to give me a hint.
So far: flowers would be nice, some image of himself (statue, picture or symbol) and maybe a cloth.
As for the 'Quiet Worship Time' I had planned to do to help get myself back into daily worship, I think most of the meditations were designed for those who live alone or have the time in the day to sit down and have peace and quiet for a few hours.
Apparently, these meditations don't really work when you still live at home with your parents and older sister (Which also means my plan to live as stress free as possible is buggered. No one is stress free when they still live at home, you nearly murder each other every week.). It's a struggle to concentrate.
The only time I can focus is at night, about twelve or one in the morning when everyone is asleep; I even tried last night, but the problem was that Leo was still moving about. I tried using meditation podcasts and music on my iPod to tune everything out....but it was 1am, I was shattered, and I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. And I can't do it during the day as I work full time during the summer holidays.
I'm struggling a bit with how much time I can really give and I can only give very brief rituals or very meager offerings to Loki of sweets and energy drinks (which I'm lucky that he likes)
But my dressing table was actually my alter space with all my candles, incense etc. I had no choice but to move all my gear somewhere else. It had to be in an open space (I couldn't bear the thought of hiding my tools in a cupboard), it had to be easy to reach (so the shelves were out) and it had to be big enough at least to hold the very basics.
But there was no room, at all.
I must have stood for a good half hour, turning around, looking to see where I could move-this-to-create-space-there. A bit of reorganization later and I had converted my beside table into a ... shrine, I guess. It's not the best and it doesn't compare to my old alter - which I had received nice comments about when I posted a photo online a few years back - but it would have to make do.
I said a message to Loki (as it is basically his shrine) that if he sees room for improvement or would like something added, to give me a hint.
So far: flowers would be nice, some image of himself (statue, picture or symbol) and maybe a cloth.
As for the 'Quiet Worship Time' I had planned to do to help get myself back into daily worship, I think most of the meditations were designed for those who live alone or have the time in the day to sit down and have peace and quiet for a few hours.
Apparently, these meditations don't really work when you still live at home with your parents and older sister (Which also means my plan to live as stress free as possible is buggered. No one is stress free when they still live at home, you nearly murder each other every week.). It's a struggle to concentrate.
The only time I can focus is at night, about twelve or one in the morning when everyone is asleep; I even tried last night, but the problem was that Leo was still moving about. I tried using meditation podcasts and music on my iPod to tune everything out....but it was 1am, I was shattered, and I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. And I can't do it during the day as I work full time during the summer holidays.
I'm struggling a bit with how much time I can really give and I can only give very brief rituals or very meager offerings to Loki of sweets and energy drinks (which I'm lucky that he likes)
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